Solving Myself

I think I have gotten through my own layers and figured out my basic fear. It is a fear of not being good enough. Of not being enough. And it has manifested over the years in many different ways. In college I would not attend class because I couldn't motivate myself, especially with classes I didn't deem was important. Those elective classes. It cost me by not graduating in 4 years. Fortunately, I did finally go back and finish. But not until 5 years after I should have and I had already started my career. That was the start of the pattern maybe? I thought it was good enough to almost graduate. And I was able to get a job and get my career started anyway with EDS. I guess they didn't ask for my diploma did they? Kind of like the athlete who turned pro early, or at least before graduating. Luckily, I had the sense to finish the last 2 classes I needed to and DID get my diploma. The pattern about my age got started when my mom allegedly lied about my age <supposedly> to get me in the same class as my brother when we were in kindergarten. I mean it was the Philippines after all. How else could she have gotten me in the same class as my brother who was a year older? Anyway, the pattern I want to reverse, is the one of embellishing and blurring the facts. That was what triggered me when confronted with it the day after Christmas in San Diego with Lisa. There are times when that is ok. But I do it far too often for even my own good. When I change my score on the golf course for example, and not count an errant shot, does that really benefit me? That I do to simply make myself look better. But I won't get better unless I admit to myself that I should get better. And I remind myself that I can control the physical world but I must address my own energies first. Is all I need to do is to simply raise my vibration and allow myself to get into flow? I need to do a lot more self-observation to focus on the states I want to be in rather than be in a reactive state. All the while not letting myself overthink and get myself out of flow and rhythm. That is the trick. THAT is the real work isn't it? And just like golf, it takes practice. 

No Golf Today

Scott pinged me a couple of days ago that he wasn't going to be able to make it to golf today. My first reaction was 'eh I guess I get to play by myself today'. But then the stronger pull as the morning wore on was simply to stay home. I hadn't done that in a Sunday in a while and the stronger tug was to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And so I ended up playing hookie with myself. I am becoming more and more aware that the reason I don't get some results I want is that I simply don't focus consistently enough. That much I already know from golf. While I could easily do a really good game like I did a couple of weeks ago, and simply by relaxing and doing not much of anything different other than to simply let myself get in rhythm, I can still have a game like last week that was very much inconsistent. I know I let myself get distracted way too much. And I keep telling myself I need to work on that. Well, today is WORK ON 'THAT' DAY. Almost like magic I let the Youtube videos come up that I needed to see today and I got a whole lot of A-ha's and distinctions today on a whole slew of things.  Here are just a few of them: 

I could have been selling stocks all year instead of buying... and losing. I need to make an adjustment to that mental mindset don't I?

I was triggered last Friday wasn't I? It was my ego for sure. The trick is to expect and anticipate that the ego is going to try to create chaos when everything seems to be on track and going well. It's what it does. I can circumvent this by simply focusing on the POSITIVE stuff regardless. As in why would it bug me that a co-worker is trying to rant and get irritate. Why do I let MYSELF get irritated in kind? She simply needs information. I do not NEED to REACT. Ever.

A-HA And finally: The Universe does not give you what you want. It gives you what you are. It tests you in a very specific way to see if what you say you want is actually what you DO want. It wants to know if you're just pretending. Am I pretending I want to be a millionaire and be financially independent? Or am I backing down from the changes I need to make in my life to get to that version of ME? Am I really ready to live what I say? 

All these distinctions before it was even lunchtime, and in the time it took for me to play golf. hmm. Maybe it's a good thing to take my eyes off the routine and focus on what needed to get done...

So usually the lunch routine from a golf day at Penmar was to get salmon kabobs from Crimson. Not today since I'm off routine. Instead I had tuna sandwich like I would on a Monday and tomato basil soup. And then I took a nap for an hour. All of that before it was 12:30. Of course the result was that I barely left my couch until it was late in the afternoon. It was like I had a sick day without being sick. It was most definitely an R&R day to be sure. I could stay on the couch and pretty much meditate all day, particularly since I know I need to sharpen my focus and be more aware of my thought patterns. Be more aware when Ego is trying to distract me. I finally got out of the house to do grocery shopping. And by then it was almost 4 PM.  And I was rewarded by the most amazing sunset, on Palms Blvd that seemed clear all the way to the beach. Quite an amazing pic I say. I noticed that I was finally starting to get in to Thanksgiving mode, starting with getting some food for the Lisa staff lunch I planned on preparing for Tuesday. That has always been a tradition as well and although I don't seem to get the energy from Lisa that it is actually something she wants to have happen, I do know her staff appreciates it. She seemed to be more pre-occupied with having to host Thanksgiving for her own family. I am not entirely sure what I'm going to be doing for Thanksgiving myself. I figured I'd go a day at a time this week. Tomorrow is still a work day and although I had already finished with the stuff due tomorrow (timecards/HRSA survey etc etc), I planned on bringing my car in for an oil change too in the morning. But it was good to get all the reminders today. The key is to keep reminding myself so I am not as distracted... until I don't get distracted anymore. I know it is a constant battle for focus and attention. And therein lies the work. I simply need to keep at it.

Rejuvenating On A Monday

Wasn't it just a week ago I was half-asleep wandering to Lisa's because she had to drop Silvia to LAX at 5:30 in the morning and I had to watch Johnnie... and take him to school... and take Lisa to her medical appointment? Today I finally got to make up for the past couple of weeks of hecticity (is that a word?). I got into the usual Monday meditative space. But instead of just focusing on the week and how I visualized it to be eezy-peezy, I also got to focus on other things. Mainly about the root causes of my own FEAR and ANGER. It seemed like I was getting gently nudged into examining these negative emotions that still permeate my day-to-day.  Which is why I went back and sort of created a logo. Create AMAZING. That is what I want to be the cornerstone thought of my day-to-day. And because I was able to focus on that I think, I had one of those contemplative in-the-moment kind of days typical of some Fridays. Maybe it was because I had just done all the must-do stuff this morning yesterday already. That would be approving timecards, doing the HRSA Survey, vaccine stock, blah blah. It made for a clear morning. Of course I still had to do steps as per routine. But I found that to be effortless too. As in I was already at 65+ active minutes after just 5000 steps by 9 AM. Even the rest of the morning seemed to be spent on RELEASING. Ego Dissolution. Letting go of FEAR and ANGER trapped in my physical body. AND also focusing on the images I want. How it would feel knowing I have optimal health and having no worries about any disease. Not thinking about the stuff I had focused on in my urinary system practically most of this year to date. How it would feel if I had created financial flow such that I don't have to work for a job anymore. And this morning would be what it is like EVERY MORNING. That put a smile on my face. I DON'T HAVE TO BE AFRAID. I AM ENOUGH. and THE UNIVERSE ALWAYS HAS MY BACK. In the meantime, I THANK my SMALLER SELF or EGO or whatever it is that creates chaos in my life. IT GOT ME TO PAY ATTENTION. Even Lisa's dramatics is something PUSHED OUT and NEEDS ATTENTION. Maybe not Lisa even specifically. But my own attention. I know i will get tested. My work is to stay the course.

What We Do To Our Kids

Today's theme is the title of this post "what we do to our kids" and I should add the word inadvertently to the end of that phrase. Johnnie is still coughing and spitting up phlegm every now and again. I know I showed him a breathing exercise last night but of course he is still not able to fully control his body. Heck not very many people do. I taught him that exercise hoping that he would learn to slow down and breathe and when he does, the coughing actually does stop. Of course more often than not he will give in to the urge to cough which is his body's attempt to get rid of the stuff inside. Combine that with other factors and then you have a disaster in the making. This morning, that was watching getting him to eat instead of watch videos (totally my fault) and when it was time to go and he was just halfway done with his plate, I practically made him wolf his food down. And so it should not have been a surprise that when we made it through the gate and towards his class line, he would cough so hard that he vomitted all over his mask. This after I pulled him to the side and practically yelled at him to stop coughing. yeah, that was effective alright. It only made his coughing worse. And I thought he was going to cry even. At the moment, my ego had simply taken over and gotten impatient and irritated. How does that make sense that I would get angry at Johnnie because he wouldn't stop coughing? In retrospect, I was the stupid one. I should have just held him and gotten him to slow down and breathe even slower. He was reaching for my hand the second he sensed I was angry. Instead I pushed him into coughing more which lead to him throwing up all over his mask. We were already in the school yard. What to do? I had him clean up in the kids bathroom and then we ran back to my car and I cleaned him up some more with the towels in the trunk. He had thrown up all over the front of his shirt but there was no time to go home and change now. He will just have to go to school as is. His teacher was just letting his class in when we got there and I just asked her to give him another mask. We talked about his persistent coughing and I thought Johnnie was going to cry. I did that. I am SO SORRY Johnnie. You're going to be ok. Hey, aren't I supposed to be the one that is learning how to heal with energy? Why have I not tried that harder? Isn't this a good learning opportunity about healing others? Instead I let ego take over. I went home feeling badly. I SHOULD. But I had no time to dwell on it. I had to go to the FRB today, first with a meeting about the new Alternative work week plan and then of course the meeting with Erica about Penelope. I put in a full day's work at the FRB, and stayed there for lunch (ate some pancit and pork Filipino style). On the drive home I thought about Johnnie and how I was going to make it up to him for acting so badly this morning. My opportunity would come later with Lisa. I picked him up early and we went to Lisa's office as per usual Wednesday. She was supposed to pick up Silvia and Cecille and Gayane at the airport but we had time to still do Spanish class at her office as usual and then go to dinner afterwards. Johnnie asked to go to Maria's and to my surprise, Lisa said it was ok. It was on our drive there that Lisa got a memory trigger about how her mom used the word LOSER with her. I am sure her mom did not intend that. But she used the word just the same and it stuck. Hence a week ago when Lisa was having another one of her meltdowns, she was yelling about how much of a LOSER she was, same way she would do when she's having a meltdown in front of me. She would use that word all the time. Now she is having an A-HA moment about where it came from. Ahh the things we do to our kids that we don't intend to just by using words. ANd for me this morning, using our actions. I told Johnnie later on that what I did was not right and that I was sorry. He acknowledged it. Hopefully it does NOT stick. Johnnie gets really emotional when either Lisa or I get in a bad, yelling mood. I should KNOW that. And I have to work on it and work on it and work on it. At least tonight he got dinner with his mom and dad and we ate at Maria's and we had a perfectly pleasant meal. If only Lisa didn't blow it by bugging me about making driving errors on the drive back to her car. She did manage to diffuse me because I think she realized that she hit a trigger on my part. Awareness is the key to everything. And the sincere desire to change for the better. We do inadvertent things with our kids, when instead, we simply need to make sure they know we love them more than anything. As I do Johnnie. As I'm sure Lisa does too. The work is reminding them of that too. Every time we can.

The Secret of Life

The Secret of Life is enjoying the passage of time. I've always liked that James Taylor song but maybe even more now in the context of hearing it as the last song in the finale of Season 3 of the Orville. And a heck of a season it was at that. And especially in the here and now when I am in the midst of expanding my own awareness to what matters most in my life on a daily basis, and trying to BE in the moment as much as I can, the lyrics to that song couldn't have hit home any stronger. The secret of life certainly was not the busy-ness I filled my morning with today. But it was sharing the excitement of Johnnie prepping for his final field trip of day camp for the summer at Knott's Berry Farm Soak City. It wasn't me forgetting to get him money for the field trip, and then finding Bank of America on Sepulveda boarded up and closed and having to go to Starbucks and get me a mint hot tea to get cash back LOL. Then again maybe it was. Or maybe it was losing same $20 or thinking I did because I forgot which pair of pants I had tucked it into. And then finding it again. How distracted was I. Reminded myself of Lisa last night and how on the verge of overwhelm she was, and so maybe I was good just letting her find her bearings however way she could. As I did this morning. I dropped Johnnie off for the day and off I went to Hollywood for the 2nd to the last Town Hall of the week. I got there barely 5 minutes after it had already started but no one noticed. And at least this would be the LAST time this week I would be scrambling to get there on time. That feeling of worry certainly was NOT the Secret of Life LOL LOL. But maybe getting in front of the crowd in Hollywood and getting a laugh out of a couple of folks WAS. Certainly doing my meetings back-to-back-to-back with my IS Team, and my EHR Team, both on the way home on the freeway, and then with my boss Dennis, THOSE were NOT the Secret of life. But maybe taking a walk to Ralphs after to get some tuna and making myself a some nice real tuna sandwich would be pretty good. And having it for lunch with tomato and basil soup.

The thing about time is that time isn't really REAL. It's just your point of view. Another gem of a quote from the song. And I did finally get to watch the Season Finale this afternoon. In between catching up on this journal and doing some more work, this time a report to Barbara that was due today. I keep reminding myself that all this ego pissing matches I keep talking myself into aren't worth anything, just ego trying to play Mr. Important. And although Johnnie didn't actually get back from Knott's Berry Farm until really really late, as in 5:45 PM late. I would find myself chatting with Melissa, Simon's mom for a good 15 minutes while we were all waiting. This was the latest return they've had on any one field trip but who can blame them since it WAS Knott's Berry Farm Soak City. Johnnie didn't seem as excited as I thought he would be. I'm thinking he found a ride or 2 much more than his comfort level allowed him to enjoy. The tidal wave I guess seemed to have gotten him scared a bit. That's ok. He's alive isn't he? LOL. I placed the pic from more than a month before since I didn't take any pictures of him tonight. And in keeping with the theme of this post, THAT picture, the one with Johnnie and I. THAT is the Secret of Life. Making him his penne pasta and chicken broth. That I spilled the can on the floor and had to clean up the entire kitchen because it got all over. Then making me shrimp boy choy chow mein and wolfing it all down. We didn't battle/wrestle tonight Johnnie and I. But we do almost every night and THAT is how WE play. I'm thinking to myself this kid is growing up now. Better enjoy all this horseplay before he is big enough to beat me up for real LOL. Lisa came by at 8 PM to pick him up and really it was fine. No drama. Well, little drama because of course Lisa had to talk about stuff going on with her office. Hasn't she figured it out yet that all THAT is not the Secret of Life? That she asked Johnnie to give her 3 reasons why he wanted to hang out with her at her office tomorrow. It only took one. The first one. BECAUSE I LOVE YOU> Played or not, Johnnie said it. And THAT my friend IS the Secret of LIFE.

Caught Up In Illusion

Is that picture I posted that of a rabbit? Or a Duck? Which did I see first? Knowing it was an optical illusion, I looked for both. And I found both. But I'm not sure what I would have seen first had I not known it was an optical illusions. I think the answer would be what I was focused on at the time I saw the picture. You get what you focus on. So why am I writing about this? It is an attempt to remind myself that lately I have been caught up in illusion again. Which is why I have noticed that I have been extremely impatient the last couple of days. And in not working to release whatever it was that was really bothering me, I attracted more of the same circumstances that bring up impatience as the response. Including today. What usually goes by quickly in terms of getting through 9 holes of golf was replaced instead by a wait at each and every hole. Of course the reason is always a golfer group or two that were playing slow, which is the reason this time. But why now and why today? It can't be a coincidence. And on the way home, I watch myself grow even more impatient as I ran into traffic on the freeway heading home. The truth is that we got done with the golf game in 2 1/2 hours which is not abnormally long at all. Just different than usual where we would have been done in less than that by at least a half hour. And the ride home from the freeway? I had stopped at Del Taco for some fish tacos on the way home so really there was no rush and I simply could have focused on enjoying the ride like I did last week, cutting through mid-town and enjoying seeing LACMA again which I hadn't done in quite a while. I did not feel NEARLY as impatient then didn't I? I reminded myself of a few maxims:

We do not see things as they are, but as we are ourselves. 
Everything is YOU pushed out.

There is a program automatic or otherwise that is in play.

So what was the problem? Did it really start with the meeting with the guy who I got impatient with last Friday? Or was it a culmination of stuff I hadn't cleared through the week or maybe even longer than that? Maybe perhaps waiting for Lisa on Wednesday night I had repressed something to the degree that finally it is coming out now? And perhaps it is that part of me that wants and needs to CONTROL and WANTS TO BE RIGHT and has lost that control somehow and is fighting to take it back. Either way it was clear that I had NOT done the work to release all the repressed crap and so my EGO is playing everything back. Oh man...

So here is the new focus:

Thank everyone including the EGO for the lessons I am getting now.

The Universe was just testing me. I AM up to the test.

I ALWAYS have plenty of time and I get my stuff done on time. ALWAYS.

No need to react. Just turn it over to my genius Self.

Everything comes out in my favor. I merely need to hand over "problems" to the Universe.

I need to release the negative energy and let go.

I think and focus on the most positive outcome and leave it at that.

I provide MASSIVE value. I am acknowledged for that.

FINANCIAL FREEDOM REMINDER

Today started enough like a usual Friday and at first I thought I'd have a pretty free day with just one meeting on my schedule. I did my usual stab at meditation and although I didn't have a particularly good session, at least I had the rest of the morning to keep at it. The Claire drop-off happened as usual and I noted to Lisa that this was the last Johnnie drop-off at school for FIRST GRADE. You know how I do time markers and I was sharing that one. Lisa of course didn't care so much. Her focus was on other things. I noted it anyway. During my video watch this morning I came upon one about FINANCIAL FREEDOM from a 22-year old who had achieved what I am trying to achieve, which is to not have to work anymore and trade my time for money. I remind myself of the goal of living off passive income streams so I can focus on other things. It's funny that when I do think about that the thought comes up that I have a FEAR or CONCERN of not knowing what to do. My identity, my EGO has been tied to the roles and jobs that I have had. I am an IT Executive, I am a manager, a leader in my organization, I manage 3 teams, yada yada yada.I wonder if there is a morphogenetic field that can transform that energy into one of an entrepreneur, and one that I can create that passive income. Just writing about it allows me to realize there is a FEAR OF UNCERTAINTY I need to address. I remind myself that like everything I've been successful at, all it takes is to do it and practice and I eventually get good at it. REAL GOOD AT IT. Evidence? What about all these talks on cybersecurity. I did just speak to a national audience didn't I? Didn't know or think I could be doing that a year ago LOL. And so I posted the video I watched this morning if ONLY for the title of the post which is a subtle reminder to take action NOW> GET RICH NOW OR BE POOR FOREVER. Thank you for the message LOL.

Reality Is An Illusion

Reality is an illusion. And this illusion is carefully structured so that we can not catch on to the depth of the illusion.  Within third density each of us came to struggle, came to be confused and befuddled, came to develop fears, to do all the wrong things, to clutch and grasp at everything including money, ideas, feeling needy. And why? Because it is in working with these honest feelings, that the entity within you, the Spirit, the consciousness may float about the Being with all these concerns and may interact with it in such a way that consciousness is transferred into the working brain, the working Mind. Basically your job here is to within incarnation begin to allow the programming of consciousness to replace the programming of your mind which deals with the illusion in a polarized manner. See the concern for money as the challenge it is. What consciousness does to this concern is to lend it the awareness that there IS enough, for consciousness is Infinite. Celebrate your problems, they bring you to the point of desiring and seeking a higher Truth. Discomfort is encouraged that leads you to seek and seek and seek again. There is an alternative to seeking within the Illusion, that is simply seeking the Consciousness and it's Infinite Plentiness.