How did We Recover So Quickly

Today Lisa and I arranged for me to drop him off in the morning so I could go to the FRB. I had had me a 4-day weekend but now I have things to take care off before the year ends. Just like everyone else. The simple answer was that I focused on recovery and healing. Did I trip and fall. YES I DID. And the most important thing when that happens is always to find a way to get up and keep moving forward and not live in the shit. But live in the SHIFT. I realized while meditating last night that I was triggered when that lying about my age thing got brought up again. And although I was not ready to give in completely, it was more important for me to see how I was focusing on how equally shitty Lisa was. Her personality, her innate ability to push my buttons. And somehow, I managed to find a way to be grateful for all that as the vehicle for which I need to find my own healing and to see what it was that needed to heal. I reminded myself that EVERYTHING WAS ME PUSHED OUT, including the parts of Lisa that I hated most. And if she was pushing trigger points, it meant that it was ME pushing my own triggers to see how I could find a way to react in a more positive way. I didn't hate her. I hated ME. It was me that hated myself for lying about my age in the first place. Or more precisely that I was too weak to tell the truth. Yes we all lie. No I did not want to do it to hurt Lisa. I was trying to be accepted by her. And even now when I don't really have to be accepted by her anymore, maybe I still do. Because if I really didn't care, then why did I get so angry? Because it was a deflection from having to discuss the truth. I simply was not ready to fess up and I am sorry for that. Who knows what that caused or any ripple effects with Johnnie, which is really what i am most concerned about. The good thing was that although there is no long term fix for Lisa and I, we did manage to make it through the short term and ended the evening, dare I say, on a pleasant note really. And so today I hoped to do some more work on myself, some more work on my energy, some more work on forgiving myself, even as I had to show my face at work today. Actually, I didn't really need to do that. I just felt like my energy for work would be better served if I did. And I get to drop off Johnnie to be with Lisa for some more bonding whatever else was required. I had to drop the truck off too anyway. And so with that I get to the FRB before 9:30 and I'm back to work for a very short week.  I actually did manage to get quite a bit done, including getting specs for a difficult cabling project in the Training Room. I got to have a team meeting too and set expectations for the weekend. The IS Team simply couldn't be left alone for more than a few days without having to be reminded of stuff. Actually, there weren't that many folks at the FRB, as if everyone is simply waiting for this week to go by.  I stuck around for lunch then a meeting with Barbara and then an impromptu meeting with the building management and then off I went home. It was 3:30 when I left the FRB.

I went straight to Lisa's house and there was no one there. I did see that the truck was in the garage, which told me mom and son were probably at the park playing. I thought Lisa had all these things she needed to do but hey, whatever she needed to do to keep Johnnie occupied was a good thing. I simply went back to my apartment kicked my feet up, sent her a text to get together for dinner later, and then watched the latest episode of Willow on Disney+. Later on she would tell me she had already cooked a piece of salmon and wanted to eat it for dinner. Of course she would prefer that to eating at Maria's or something. Last night was the opportunity to eat out together. Tonight, she simply wanted to stay in. Later on I could tell she was in clean-up mode as she kept commenting that all she was doing all day was cleaning up after Johnnie. She didn't get anything done. I'm not sure why she couldn't leave Johnnie alone, but far be it from me to question her after Monday night. I even brought the cooked shrimp I was saving for later on in the week for me. And so with that, Johnnie had tofu and some rice, I had 1/4 piece of salmon and some of my shrimp and Lisa had the other half of what I had. Plenty of food for her I am sure. For me, I stopped at Taco Bell on the way home to get a crunchwrap to augment that fine dinner Lisa had LOL. After declaring that we are in the middle of rest and recovery day I was NOT going to stir the pot in any way. I even directed Johnnie to clean up after himself. Once we got back to my apartment, he could watch as much Garfield as he could. And it was back to normal Wednesday routine. I would note that he got a quesadilla too to augment HIS dinner LOL. But we still managed to make it to bed early. Back to work day in the books, just a couple of more days to go before the end of the work year 2022.