Solving Myself

I think I have gotten through my own layers and figured out my basic fear. It is a fear of not being good enough. Of not being enough. And it has manifested over the years in many different ways. In college I would not attend class because I couldn't motivate myself, especially with classes I didn't deem was important. Those elective classes. It cost me by not graduating in 4 years. Fortunately, I did finally go back and finish. But not until 5 years after I should have and I had already started my career. That was the start of the pattern maybe? I thought it was good enough to almost graduate. And I was able to get a job and get my career started anyway with EDS. I guess they didn't ask for my diploma did they? Kind of like the athlete who turned pro early, or at least before graduating. Luckily, I had the sense to finish the last 2 classes I needed to and DID get my diploma. The pattern about my age got started when my mom allegedly lied about my age <supposedly> to get me in the same class as my brother when we were in kindergarten. I mean it was the Philippines after all. How else could she have gotten me in the same class as my brother who was a year older? Anyway, the pattern I want to reverse, is the one of embellishing and blurring the facts. That was what triggered me when confronted with it the day after Christmas in San Diego with Lisa. There are times when that is ok. But I do it far too often for even my own good. When I change my score on the golf course for example, and not count an errant shot, does that really benefit me? That I do to simply make myself look better. But I won't get better unless I admit to myself that I should get better. And I remind myself that I can control the physical world but I must address my own energies first. Is all I need to do is to simply raise my vibration and allow myself to get into flow? I need to do a lot more self-observation to focus on the states I want to be in rather than be in a reactive state. All the while not letting myself overthink and get myself out of flow and rhythm. That is the trick. THAT is the real work isn't it? And just like golf, it takes practice.