Decoding A Good Golf Game

So today we're at Roosevelt Golf Course. And then right afterwards, we're supposed to go pay Dexter a visit for the 2nd Sunday in a row. Naturally it's another shot at de-coding how to manifest a good golf game. I started visualizations as of last night and saw myself make great shots on each hole actually. Felt what it would feel like if I had a good golf game, which is to say I made at least 2 pars. And you wanna know something? I started out like gang busters. I stopped thinking about my shot and actually got myself to relax and not feel any pressure at hole at least on Hole 1 and even on Hole 2. A decent tee shot on Hole 1, was followed by a nice chip over the sand that went way past the hole. But I chipped it close enough to where I made the par putt! Yeah! A par on Hole 1. I have 8 more chances to get the 2nd par already! And on Hole 2, I had a nice tee shot again but an even BETTER 2nd shot with a 5-wood that landed me right below the hill. And I chipped on the green in 3. I was still 25 feet out. But my putt came OH SO CLOSE to a par! As in I was off to the left by less than 1/4 of an inch!! I accepted the bogey easily of course, knowing full well I was already 1/4 inch off the 2nd par. And that was when I realized I had set the bar way too low. I should have tried for at least 3 pars. Because on Hole 3 I reverted back to my old programming. Hit the ball way left and then into the bunker and then missed the sand shot and then whacked it way out of there. I shot a 7 on the 3-par! And then on Hole 4 when I could easily reverse the negative programming, and I hit a mammoth tee shot, I then proceeded to hit the fairway shot into the bunker again. And the wheels would come off from there. Not until Hole 8 did I recover somewhat. And even then my rhythm was already way off. Sigh. So the learning lesson of today was that I somehow lost focus after Hole 2, I should have kept on getting into alpha state on the fly and visualizing good shots throughout. But I didn't. And I let too much of the old negative programming back on through, wasting a great start. Oh well... at least I could go back to that great start and try to replicate that and hold the focus through the entire game next time.

And so right after the game I went to Lisa's. I'm not even going to say how we ended up waiting on each hole, so much so we didn't get done until well past noon. And I didn't get to Lisa's until it was already 1 PM. What am I going to do? I was HUNGRY. And Lisa was still talking about going to Simon's to pay a visit to his lemonade stand. I can't understand what took them so long to go over there before I even showed up, but it's just Lisa being Lisa. I called Dexter, told him we were bringing Panda Express over. Which then gave me an excuse to go get the Panda Express stuff and wolf down a bowl of noodles too. Hunger issue solved. Now to get Lisa to get out of the house so we can get to Dexter BEFORE 3 PM at least. As it was we did not actually get there untill it was already 3 PM. But that's ok. So today present was Lee, Dexter's new girlfriend. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend until he mentioned it last weekend. How did he manage to meet someone new while convalescing? Oh well, as long a time as we had been giving him crap for not having someone in his life, this was a very good thing. She was Filipino of course, and had cooked lunch <I didn't know that>. And so we ended up having a nice lunch, and Johnnie got to eat his favorite teriyaki chicken. And then after lunch we discovered an Iron Man game that was an adaptation of the old game Operation. Of course dentist Lisa would take a liking to the game. And despite not even being interested at first, Dexter had a mammoth round easily destroying Lisa and Johnnie. The competitive fire of both mom and son were on full display, Lisa even bringing up the old swimming competitions from back in the day in Italy and Greece. Even Johnnie showed how much he didn't like losing. But at least we were able to find something to do besides eat. And by 6:30 PM, I made the motion to be on our way. Lisa of course tends to stay until way way late, but tonight I wanted to do some stuff for work still. It's Town Hall week next week after all. And SO, despite coming late and then all the Lisa shenanigans about leaving the house, we managed to keep our word and spend some time with Dexter and his new girlfriend. Lisa started to wig out on our drive home, thinking about all the stuff about her practice, about her employee that is now trying to collect unemployment and claiming a hostile environment, about her dad, her brother blah blah blah. I could see her wringing her hands with anxious energy. But at least she did not wig out on me. I dropped off mom and son, told them I'd see them tomorrow and went on home. I made a pepperoni pizza for dinner. Worked on the HRSA survey stuff. More stuff I could get done so I didn't have to do them tomorrow. And I was out like a light on the couch for the 3rd day in a row. 

A Spontaneous Johnnie Saturday

I was right about to go into my meditation session first thing this morning when immediately that plan changed. My phone rang and it was Johnnie letting me know he wanted to have breakfast. Immediately I knew that Lisa was still out of it <she already was  last night> and that she was in lazy mode, or do-my-notes mode, or whatever else mode but whatever mode it was it did not involve breakfast for either herself or Johnnie. Enter dad of course. And so it would be no surprise to find me in her kitchen making Johnnie some sour dough bread with gnutella and a spinach onion omelette. I shrug off all negative memories of getting yelled at for using the wrong thing in her kitchen and simply made breakfast. All while Lisa stayed upstairs writing notes. Apparently both mom and son were already up since 5:30 anyway. Today I simply released all resistance to whatever energy Lisa had or that I anticipated that she had and simply focused on a breakfast Lisa would like. And lo and behold she actually liked whatever I made and had positive comments to boot. And then of course I got to wash dishes, brush and floss Johnnie's teeth. And at least we were out of the house headed to the park with Lisa's full blessing and how rare is that?! And I had to post a couple of videos because we ended up spending a pretty cool next couple of hours at Marine Park next to Penmar golf course. I would always see this park from Hole 3 but I don't remember ever coming here. Heck it was a drive around just to find how to get in there actually. But when we did there were basketball courts where Johnnie and I played some. Johnnie reveled in watching me miss 12 shots in a row from the free throw line. WHAT? What was THAT all about! Of course I had to undo that memory later on. While Johnnie played on the playground stuff, I made sure I made at least 5 in a row. Low energy my ass! It turned out Johnnie even ran into one of the kids from Penmar day camp and so he was amused and entertained just fine. Afterwards we swung by my apartment just so I could make myself some pineapple juice. Hey we both got our money's worth in terms of physical activity didn't we? And then I was ready to drop him off at Lisa's. We got there by 11 AM and we were met with... silence. Lisa was asleep. And so Johnnie and I simply went back to my apartment where he got to watch more of his videos, He ended up taking a shower there too. I got to make him spaghetti for lunch and even my own version of chicken teriyaki courtesy of pre-made chicken strips we got from Ralphs. And I finished the rest of last night's pizza for my lunch. Hey, we ended up spending the entire morning together after all! These spontaneous circumstances are always the best. When we got back to Lisa's it was already 1:30 and she was up. And we even got her when she was getting ready to yell at us for not having brushed Johnnie's teeth. Not today Lisa. Not today. We did that BEFORE we left this morning. I went home feeling totally gratified that I had already had a pretty good Saturday. The rest of the day I just cruised. I went to Target, bought gift cards for next week's Town Hall, did laundry, finished approving timecards so I didn't have to worry about it on Monday <only absolutely necessary thing to have gotten done by Monday morning>, watched the Dodgers blow a lead, made myself some spaghetti and then a nice ahi tuna salad for dinner, exchanged chats with a potential date on Match finished 10,000 steps and 52 active minutes <remember I'm still not forcing anythng> and basically just cruised the rest of Saturday away. And it was all good. 

A Paws Up Friday

So Johnnie decided to go to his mom's office again today, which is now the pattern on Fridays. I certainly support that he gets to spend all this time with his mom although she is working. For Johnnie, it's simply being in her proximity and how can you not go along with that. For me all that meant was that I didn't have to pick him up early and drop him off at day camp. And pick him up again later. I DID have to go to Lisa's house to pick up Claire though but I took that opportunity to do an errand. My golf card expired which meant I actually couldn't get a tee time this morning in August. And so I took care of that first thing. I went to Penmar and renewed my LA City golf card for the next year. And picked up Claire on the way home. And took a shower at Lisa's house to boot. <I reminded myself I hadn't showered since Monday!> I also took care of rent first thing <this one I noted so I can stack my gratitude feelings... after all it is yet another indication that I have plenty of money and that I am doing well financially, despite all the doom and gloom going on out there> and so it was already shaping up to be an errand kind of day. Truth be told it would be nice to do a Claire kind of tank day. Which is why I posted the picture of her just napping next to me while I was on my computer, paws up and all. Hence, the title of this post LOL. It's not like I didn't do work either. I did the Salesforce check-in mid-day, did James' performance eval which I had been holding out until today I guess. I held him out until last simply because his was the worst review I'm giving out for any one of my team members and I don't like giving out bad reviews. He was pretty bad all year though. He tested my patience to be sure. When I did his review he wasn't surprised at his low grade. He knew pretty much that he needed to work on communicating with me more when I ask him for status. He simply is not good at getting back to ANYONE. Still I felt a huge sigh of relief come out when I finalized his review once and for all. That alone was the work accomplishment of the day. I actually realized I had a lot of work to do. It's Town Hall week next week after all. But hey, it's PAW UP day isn't it. I'm not stressing it. I spent some time in the afternoon at Roger Dunn golf, since I was running out of tees and golf balls. And did some grocery shopping too at Trader Joe's. Errands errands errands. And I even found myself doing time-traveling with a bunch of old disks I had that had backup copies of photos and e-books and e-programs. For which I realized I had a lot of manifestation information already going back to almost 20 years ago. Isn't it time I actually did instead of dabbled?  At the end of the day I could be found handing Claire over when Lisa and Johnnie came by... at 5;30 PM! THAT is the huge benefit of Johnnie spending the day with Lisa. It keeps her much more more grounded and she doesn't get stuck at her office just whirling away until she is bone tired. In fact, she sounded plain confused that she is coming home early and she didn't have a thing to do LOL. As for me, I felt like having a pizza tonight so I walked to Ralphs and got me some thin crust and pizza sauce. And ground beef. Yes, ground beef. I'm thinking I need to gain just a little bit of weight back. Everything is about balance and there is something inside of me that is telling me that somehow losing all that weight has contributed to the bleeding episode too and has actually made it worse. Anyway, I simply walked leisurely like last night. I noted that I still managed more than 10,000+ steps yesterday on a REST DAY. And today, the steps felt like they came organically. Like I was already at 9,000 steps by the time I came back from Ralphs. And I was already well past 50 active minutes too. I would end up with 11,000+ steps today actually and more than 80 active minutes! In other words, a full Powerwalk day and I didn't even feel like I made an effort to do it. I did make myself some pizza, and ate some bolognese penne to boot, to eat up Johnnie's leftover pasta from yesterday. I was sitting on the couch watching the GRAY MAN on Netflix when I got a text from Johnnie. He was inviting me over to have pizza and movie night with them. WHY did they not invite me earlier??? Answer: if they did, I'd be sitting there tying myself in anxious knots simply watching Lisa be Lisa LOL LOL!! I agreed to come, letting them know I had already had dinner of course. And a big one at that. But I will NEVER turn down the chance to spend time with Johnnie under any circumstance. And so I found myself at Lisa's house at 8:30 having another slice of pizza and watching Winnid the Pooh on Disney with Johnnie. And I have to say that it actually was a pretty ideal Friday night! Lisa knocked off in the middle of the movie of course. But Johnnie and I watched until it was already 9:30. I did the dishes of course LOL LOL, brushed Johnnie's teeth, got him in his pajamas and helped him get Lisa to bed. No negative energies, no stress, no worries. Perfect! And I went on home to finish the GRAY MAN movie. Now THAT is a Friday that had everything for everyone. And all got what they wanted. Lisa got to do whatever she wanted and didn't have to infect anyone with negative energy, Johnnie got to watch his movie AND spend Friday night with BOTH his parents, and I got ME time and Johnnie time too! Perfect. 

Performance Reviews

One of the things about the month of July is not only is it a timemarker for so many events in my life, on a routine basis, it's also the month we do Performance Reviews at work. I did them all already and got them turned in a week ago. And this week I have had to meet with most of the staff to do the actual reviews. I really only had 2 that I didn't like to do, one of them being the one with James. So I pushed that to the last. And I got to everyone else by today. When all was said and done all those reviews took at most 15 minutes and it was a stretch to even get it to that. Good news was that everyone so far had a very positive response to the reviews. But then again, I'm holding the not-so-good-one until last. We'll see tomorrow. Finally all done, I felt like a weight was off my shoulders. I got to chill and hang with Claire on the couch for the good part of the day, walk around outside and when I say walk I meant a restful, peaceful walk, not the Powerwalk I usually do when I'm trying to log steps. Today I decided not to push so hard. I think that was what was my body has been trying to tell me. I cut down on carbs AND kept my physical activity at a pretty high level. Added some weight work too. Sometimes I could literally FEEL the burn and by that I meant that my body was burning something, fat or muscle. On the one hand that means my metabolism is working just fine. On the other hand, I think I need to incorporate some real rest and recovery in my routine as well. At least there was no more bleeding today, just some leakage with my pee but it does not at all feel like something I need to be concerned about. With that said, there are still some lingering thoughts that there is some dis-ease I need to deal with. Which is why I know I need to deal with the THOUGHTFORMS first for sure. 

At least I had some emotional release, which came in the form of a reaction to a particularly emotional episode of the Orville that I watched in the afternoon. Dang, when did that show really start getting that good! I also noted that in the morning, I got to focus on releasing 'connections'. Connections to thoughts of dis-ease, mine or others. Disconnecting with dis-ease thoughtforms with the Dexter visit, from Lisa's physical and office issues, from my own office issued. I disconnected and released them and I felt extraordinarily light and relaxed this morning. No negative thought forms about traffic, no urgency about anything in particular. And I had a pretty chill kind of day. And when I picked up Johnnie later on in the day, I connected to this time last year when that simple act of picking him up was something that felt good and something I knew would bring a smile to my face whenever I remembered it. I remembered it now. Don't know why it made me feel good other than it was the SPIRIT of SUMMER. There's only 2 weeks left for Johnnie after all and then back to school he goes. Tonight, it's simply another Thursday night and he's eating penne pasta in chicken STARS broth and Claire is at his feet waiting to pounce on whatever food he drops on the ground, that goofy dog. In the meantime, I was in take-the-foot-off-the-gas mode, although I still managed to do 10,000+ steps. I still managed to do 46 active minutes. Still pretty good on the average. And although I had an awareness that something was still supposedly bothering me internally, like I felt like pee-ing still and maybe my body is still purging and detoxing in a healthy way.  And it might go on for a little bit. That's supposedly good right? At least there's no blood LOL. Lisa came and got Johnnie at 7:30 PM and had an uneventful hand-off. I really like those. [Bye DAD!!] I heard him yell as she drove off. And off I went to relax the rest of the evening away. It was a pretty chill day and that's a good thing.

Healing

When I took a step back and saw in perspective all these things, all these negative energies in my awareness, I was better able to understand what the heck was going on with my physical body. I affirm that everything is energy, even our physical bodies and I can't underestimate the effects of FEAR, WORRY, ANGER, DISHARMONY and the connections to past events, past energies have taken some toll. Even all the Director vs C's stuff have a connection to my experiences in the past. I got laid off too a couple of times, both at USC and I don't know that pain from those experiences have had some bubbling up effect. And so now I simply need to focus on the healing. Just thinking about that brought about some circumstances this morning I thought. I went to the FRB since it was a Wednesday and I thought I'd just come for the morning. I also attended the HIMP final check-in this morning knowing full well some of the stuff that happened yesterday is bound to come up. And probably by me LOL. And it did. There were only 3 attendees at the meeting but since 2 of us were at the meeting yesterday, it did get brought up and I think simply doing that helped validate that we still have a ways to go as an organization in terms of trust and transparency. The next step is up to us and what WE want to do. The second circumstance was that Eloisa popped into the office that I had commandeered, which was my old office and had a chat with me. We already spoke on the phone last night and still we hadn't chatted in a while. She said she felt like I was avoiding her. I didn't want to say that I wasn't one to seek anyone out in the first place and especially now that she is CEO, she would be the last person I would seek out. Simply because of the title. But I felt like we did have a pretty nice conversation about what my opinions were on why we were 'stuck' as an organization. Stuck as in not progressive enough to be able to trust each other. I think it's something we have to learn. It's something that is earned. And maybe Marina and Dr Liao are simply in too much of a learning mode themselves to have earned that. AND we still have to learn to be less confrontational towards them and express and do stuff in a more supportive manner. I said all this to Eloisa. She also told me to get a new position in IS and she will have QueensCare pay for it. Hmm there's a thought. Anyway I thought our talk was productive AND part of the healing from the events of yesterday.. And I went home feeling better. Literally I mean. No thoughts about anything bleeding, dis-ease, dis-harmony. I even took a nice half hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. THAT makes up for not having had good sleep all week.

By the time I picked up Johnnie it was already past 4 PM. We were headed to Lisa's office of course for Spanish class. I didn't have time to think about Lisa or whatever was going on in her office and that was probably a good thing. All I had time for was to wolf down a snack for Johnnie and I. More and more I was thinking I needed to increase my caloric intake and not worry so much about carbs since my intake of those was already way down. Anyway we got to Lisa's office, got Johnnie's computer all done and I started doing steps in the hallway. I remember doing that way WAY back when  as far back as 2017 even when counting steps was not as sophisticated as I had made it to be. I know, I know, I'm supposed to be taking it easy. But hey, I felt much better already and i was peeing as normal again. Which makes it a pretty quick recovery from the last bleeding episode. Like 24 hours. Unfortunately, I hadn't checked my email and missed the one from Hayil cancelling class today. Oh well, we'll still have class tomorrow. In the meantime, Lisa and Angie were interviewing a front desk candidate. Good for them considering all the trouble they've had with front desk staff. I could tell the candidate was already sounding professional and had an air of responsibility about them. They will need THAT. Anyway their interview lasted until well past 6:30. And although I kept Johnnie busy with some Pokemon printouts, he was hungry. We did go out to eat, Lisa, Johnnie and I. And we went to Maria's Italian kitchen again since I convinced Johnnie to eat spaghetti tonight. I threw out all restrictions for me. Had a caesar salad and then rigatoni and meat sauce. And a couple of pieces of bread too. Johnnie for his part, ate a  big-boy plate of spaghetti. Lisa had pasta and veggies too. And minestrone soup. In other words a nice dinner was had by all. That too felt like healing energy. I was happy to pay for the meal even if Johnnie and I didn't get home until well past 8 PM. He had less than an hour to watch his videos and then it was bedtime for him at 9:30. And an early bedtime for me too. NOW I can catch up on sleep. 

Heal Day, But Still Negative Emotions

So I'm going to lean towards overexertion in terms of yesterday's bleeding episode, and so what I have to do is rest and heal. Maybe think about a break on the steps routine. After all I did more than 15,000 AND over 150 active minutes yesterday already. It's a Tuesday so taking it easy shouldn't be too hard. Except for my sneakily obsessive tendencies LOL. After all, why did I find myself doing shadow-boxing in the bathroom for a half hour just to get my step count up today? I guess I'm not going to let that go today aren't I? What I did spend my time on this morning was trying to find a medical intuitive in So Cal. I mean there was a whole slew of them all over the country. And I did find one for a $75 consult. But I had to wait until Aug. 11 for the online meeting. I wanted to see if I could find something for this week. Just get an opinion on my energetic body. After all, if I'm going all in on that, then I'm going all in. In the meantime, what I need to focus on are healthy thoughts, healing thoughts, thoughts of harmony. After all, as above so below. As within, so without. I would find out later on thet THAT would be an issue. And that there are other things reflecting a vibration of disharmony. First we had a Town Hall check-in for next week after lunch. It was supposed to simply confirm the agenda we already had set last week. If so, it would have gone 20 minutes tops. Not today. Because the Directors, including myself met yesterday, really in solidarity and support of Nyree who was understandably upset at the reorganization, all kinds of questions came up. Including how to address it at the Town Hall next week. And really more about how to address the organization in general. We felt like one piece of communication was not sufficient. And when we started talking about the agenda as if it was business as usual, I had to speak up and make sure talking about the reorganization had a spot in the agenda. AND in the beginning at that. Then the meeting was not about the Town Hall anymore and it did get contentious. The C's - Dr Liao and Marina ended up apologizing that they dropped the ball on communicating with the Directors (us), Director of HR Araksi got really defensive, though I didn't understand why because it was not about her and she seemed to have taken it personally. We did agree that it was going to get addressed at the beginning of the Town Hall and that the Directors would meet with the C's after one of the Town Halls and that was that. Or so I thought...

Now I'm wondering if that Director's Meeting yesterday had anything to do with the bleed episode? I acknowledge it had negative emotions associated and I had expressed negative emotions too. Maybe I had repressed them myself and they were seeking more expression? Could THAT be why I had the bleed episode? THAT and in addition to physical overextension? After all, I did also spend the morning sensitizing myself to energies as well. Anyway, there was no bleeding today so I think I am back to heal mode. I'm thinking I am underestimating stuff at work affects me as well. AND as a reminder I get a call from Eloisa at 5 PM right as I was about to head out with Johnnie to pick up dinner at Panda Express. She had heard about the Town Hall Meeting and basically wanted to address the Directors individually and talk about what happened. And about the reorg. There was a plan to talk to the Directors she said, it just didn't get executed. And then she defended the C's. We could have handled it in such a way that it did not turn confrontational, which I admit it sort of did. In other words, we should apologize too. I'm thinking to myself... apologize for what? We didn't do anything wrong. We just wanted to be heard. They fucked up. She even acknowledged that. What I am sorry about was that it happened at the venue it did, instead of us addressing them directly. It was unfortunate that it was the first setting available. But it happened. I did apologize via chat to Marina and I was thinking to myself now we're in damage control mode and I hope does not escalate any further. Yep, now it is easy to see negative energies swirling and taking a bit of control. And now I am sure more than ever it is those negative energies I need to address. I did that by focusing on Johnnie. The kid had water day at the Venice pool today and I think we finally got it right with the towel and the plastic storage for wet stuff LOL. I'm thinking I want to be in his world simply having fun and in his own words inventing new games at the bottom of the pool. So glad am I that he can do that now! Anyway after all that negative stuff, I wanted a routine Tuesday. But those negative energies weren't done. In the evening, I get a call from Lisa asking for "advice". Apparently she was spooked because an employee that was giving her problems and wanted to fire, starting talking about a hostile environment. And now she felt she was legally exposed. I didn't disagree. I told her she needed to watch her back and make sure she did everything by the HR book. And at least talk to her one more time to see if she really does want to work there still. At least to cover herself. She seemed to feel better. This time I wasn't focus on our conversation. I was seeing how all these external negative situations and circumstances are surfacing and that it was me making them do that. Now can I tie those to the bleeding episode? Is this one big FLUSH exercise? Or a test to see if I would give in to the negative energies. In any case, there was no more bleeding today. AND I still did 11,000+ steps and actually 66 active minutes. Though I did feel a little drained at the end of the day. I focus on healing. Internally and Externally. That I need to continue to do.

A Great Day and then BAM! Relapse...

This shaped up to be a pretty good day at first.  It's Monday, I started with some meditation and tried to be intentional with today and with the rest of the week. Nothing big on tap with my schedule. Looked fairly routine actually. AND after more than a week with no bleeding episodes I was finally thinking I could once again put all that behind me. I got up and took a walk to Mar Vista Park. And watched all the folks doing Tai Chi on the basketball court, right next to a group of guys playing basketball. Just a July summer morning and it hadn't gotten hot just yet. And so I walked and walked and got to my usual 5000+ steps and 45 active minutes by 9:30. There wasn't really anything urgent today except that I had to start finalizing performance reviews and I never look forward to that. Except for my own of course LOL. And so I cruised through the morning, even made myself plant-based bean and vegetable and meat dish for lunch. AND kept on going with my steps through the afternoon. You never know when Lisa is going to drop something and tell me I need to watch Johnnie or something like that. So far, it's just waiting to hear from her until 6:30 hen I head over there anyway. I walked to Ralphs too and got some more stuff for the week, mainly Johnnie's ice cream LOL and looked forward to a non-event kind of Monday. Which would have been nice since this weekend turned out to be heavy with activity. And then somehow my quiet Monday got turned upside down.  

I was doing the later stages of my step routine and got to 12,000+ steps already and it wasn't 5:30 PM yet. But I noticed my heart rate started to elevate and my active steps ramped up quickly. I didn't think anything about it since I do this normally. I just thought it was hot out. But it felt like a couple of Sundays ago at Harbor when it was so hot and I had a bleeding episode right on the golf course. And true enough, I started to feel thick stuff ooze out of my penis. yep, it was blood again. Now that I am a bit used to this, there as no panic. In fact, my very first thought was that I had overexerted myself. Is there such a thing? Could I be doing TOO many steps? Especially since I had lost that weight? I mean this was not a trickle. It was like that Wednesday when it first started happening again a few weeks ago. DAMN! Obviously I had to stop and rest and also reflect. Was it really overexertion? Or was it overexertion of a different kind? I noted that I started doing morphic fields again on a pretty heavy dose this morning. Could it be my body doing a flush? I searched for patterns. Could it be because I was around Dexter yesterday and illness was a point of focus? When did it happen exactly? Right after I hit 12,000 steps but maybe by then I had already stretched myself thin with the morphic fields. I noted that I was sitting down and working on my Mac. Did i scratch and rupture something on the surface? Regardless of the cause I was disappointed it is happening again. It did not hit me at all that i was experiencing a medical emergency. After all, I was not in any pain at all, just now the tip of my penis was scratchy. I went ahead to Lisa's house to do the Johnnie pick-up. And pretended like nothing was happening. Because really, was there anything happening? Just something I hadn't deciphered just yet. When I got there I ran into Vicky, Lisa's mom who was making cookie dough with Johnnie. She was apparently looking at resumes for a replacement hire. I waited for her to get done and then I picked up Claire and Johnnie's stuff and headed on home. By this time, I was back to peeing clots and then normal pee. Which at least assured me it wasn't anything really serious still. Besides through the panic in my amygdala I reminded myself that my body heals everything, and that all I needed to do was get into alpha state to access higher intelligence. Hard as hell to do when your ego-self is trying to distract you with FEAR and WORRY and chaos. You can imagine making sure blood wasn't seeping througn my underwear was forefront on my mind when I picked up Johnnie at the soccer field. Although nothing happened <it NEVER does outside my apartment...another point to remember>, I still felt like I am in the middle of healing. And I guess I will have to leave it at that for tonight and for the rest of the week. Sigh. 

Golf + Visit Dexter

So today's golf tee time was at Penmar where I hadn't played in months. I remember or course that this is where it all started, with Scott, and then Chris and Mandy, Ellen, Roe, Lisa, and then Greg. Now it's just Scott and I and I'm actually used to it such that I'm not saddened anymore that it is just he and I. I am feeling fortunate that we have actually carried on from the last time we had more than 2 of us regulars a year ago now almost to the day. If we're still playing golf on Sundays, then LIFE is GOOD is how Scott and I put it.  Today the schedule is to go visit Dexter who had just gotten home from his operation a couple of days ago right after golf. And it did sadden me to tell Scott of his plight. But I'll find out more later. First the golf. This is Penmar after all and Scott and I already stated we accept no less than 2 pars at any course we play, but ESPECIALLY Penmar. This is not a hard course. So why is it that I don't score well here? Case in point, I did manage to score a par on the first hole on a streak there last fall. We SHOULD always get a par on this first hole. And after 2 shots, I'm right on the fringe and Scott is 50 yards out in front of the hole on the fairway. It felt like last week when Scott would hit a par and I would hit a bogey. But our 3rd shots were equally bad. And those misses would lead to a bogey for Scott and a 6 for me. Because I missed my bogey putt. Let's cut to the chase... I did not do better than that the rest of the game. Neither Scott or I hit any pars. None! The best we did was that he hit 4 bogeys and I hit 3. What happened to relaxing, getting in rhythm, and letting the Universe align my shot? Turned out the program of playing shitty golf was still playing. And until I manage to deprogram it, delete it and overwrite it with the positive program, I am going to continue to play this way. I did hit a few good shots. But they were really FEW and far between. AND although I made all my practice putts even on the course at Hole 4, while waiting for the 4some behind us to tee off, I never did make a single putt the entire game. Close. But not close enough. Sigh. Oh well at least we got done by 11:15. And I'm home by 11:30. At least I can get to Dexter's by 12:30 like I told him last week. Except...

There's still the matter of going there with Lisa and Johnnie. In Lisa's state last night as I left I was 99.9% certain we weren't going to have a positive interaction today. Which would mean I would go to Dexter's, IF AT ALL, on a negative vibe. I decided I was not having that. I decided to let Lisa be with whatever energy she was at. Why did I need her to affect mine? I decided to go to Dexter's by myself. I'm going to see MY FRIEND and who gives a shit where Lisa's emotional state is at. This ain't about her. I got there at 1 PM and Dexter was out on the porch just chilling. Really I was just glad to see him. And I felt better already just having a conversation with him. Not long after I arrived, the whole caravan of family showed up. More than a dozen people, all family, some local, but mainly the 2 cousins from the Philippines who we visited when Lisa and I went there in 2010. Has it been a dozen years? They visited in 2018 too, but I know where I was in 2018. I probably just moved from the Maplewood house. The only thing that made me wish Lisa was here was that everyone was asking about Johnnie. Sigh. It was 2 PM when she finally did call. It was Johnnie asking when he was getting picked up. Of course she was surprised I was already there. But I framed it that I was helping Dexter since he was trying to do too much like she knows he is prone to do and that there were more than a dozen people here and they were asking for Johnnie. And so she said she'd hop in the shower and come. Whatever it was she was thinking or feeling, I think I broke her pattern. Because she eventually did come. It was 3:30 PM when she did but she did come. And she actually engaged with everyone. As did I. I had come commonality with some of the local relatives. I was in healthcare like some of them. I worked at USC like some of them. And so eventually it ended up being a very nice typical Filipino family visit. And I felt very much at home in the middle of it all, and very much welcomed. And of course out the window went my dietary guidelines just for today. So I ate a lot of meat, ate spaghetti, and lots of lumpia. And even after the relatives left, Lisa, Johnnie and I stuck around until 8 PM. Longest social visit I had done in a while. I noted that on the drive home I felt very much peaceful and relaxed. I guess coming here by myself turned out to be an excellent idea. And as for Lisa? I must have really interrupted her pattern because she was back to her social self after most of the guests left. I think simply being in that mode rocked her out of that negative shit she was engulfed in yesterday.  And she was much better today. And Johnnie and I got to spend some time together too. On a Sunday. How cool was that. Turned out to be a pretty full weekend. And a pretty nice one to boot. Except for the golf. Gotta work on that...

Sky Zone

Today was definitely all about the birthday party for Rose Starr, Johnnie's classmate and neighbor right down the street on Rosewood. We got the invite a couple of weeks ago and I will admit I was hesitant to go. Not because we didn't know them, not really. I mean I remember in Kindergarten, Johnnie and Rose had a play date at Penmar Park and I got along plenty with Patrick, Rose's dad.  The hesitancy was all about not knowing anyone else and not knowing what to do with myself. Johnnie will be just fine regardless. These are his classmates after all and he has at least 4 classmates that he knew well on the guest list. Still, I remind myself it's all for Johnnie, not me. And for Rose and I will suck it up, put on my big boy pants and take him to the party. Besides, it's at Sky Zone in Van Nuys and I found out later it is actually a trampoline park. How fun would that be for Johnnie! And so this  being a Lisa work Saturday, I planned to pick Johnnie up first thing. Except that I was texted first thing by Lisa's office too. An opening in the Hygiene schedule just came up and Claudia wanted to know if I wanted to come in for my cleaning. Those openings being rare, I jumped at the chance. Plenty of time to do that and then go to the party afterwards. When I got to Lisa's house, Johnnie was still asleep and Claire right next to him in the living room sofa. I guess they had played in the sand and Lisa said both boy and dog were too dirty to sleep in the bed upstairs. Why that makes a difference with sleeping on the sofa is beyond me but who am I to question. Lisa just stated both needed a bath, meaning I should give both a bath. That, I was happy to do. In fact, all 3 of us took a shower in the lower bathroom. Much easier to do it there than at my apartment. All 3 o f us getting cleaned up therefore, I headed us to my apartment with McDonald's breakfast in hand. Now all of a sudden my morning was compressed. And I was so glad I did my grocery shopping yesterday already. I went to Lisa's office at 10:30, Kristin Wong did my cleaning as we traded stories about the kiddos, and I was glad to have nice and clean teeth again. And now I could focus totally on the afternoon and the Rose birthday party. What made me feel better was that Johnnie actually had a present for Rose all ready to go, hand-wrapped and everything. Then I don't feel anything was inappropriate. In fact, now I was mentally prepared to spend the afternoon with the kiddos. 

There was just one thing I did not account for. The party started at 1:00 PM. And I didn't know that they were going to do the trampoline activity first before food and that actually meant 1:30-2:30PM.  Which meant that we wouldn't be eating until 2:30 at the earliest. I didn't think about that one. Not so much for Johnnie. He's used to skipping lunch just to do more activities. I was thinking more about me and how hungry I was going to get. Could I suck it up until 2:30 PM? I decided not to. Just as soon as the kiddos started with all the trampolining and jumping around, I snuck out and grabbed me a pizza at the food place inside. I wolfed down half very very quickly and got me and Johnnie some water. And then I joined the rest of the parents. I will say it's kind of cool to see Johnnie with his friends again. And there were at least a half dozen kids from his class there. Look at the pic of him and his friend Caleb doing battle in the balance beam. SO much fun! I will say that a half hour in, all my hesitancy and social anxiety went away. I can do this. And everything was already fine. The Starrs were great hosts and I myself thought this was a great idea for maybe even Johnnie's birthday. The kids got stuck playing air hockey actually and although I didn't bring any cash for any of the other games and they weren't providing any at the check-in places, that's actually not bad that they weren't doing mostly games, after all, the trampolining was what was paid for. Afterwards, the kids had pizza and the adults let them sit with each other and i sat with David and Ana, Alanna's parents and we talked about golf the whole time LOL. See? I do just fine socially! It was almost 4 PM by the time we got home. With the pizza, I ate the rest of my tuna salad as soon as I got home. I was more tired than usual, and I thought it was hilarious that it was ME that was tired simply watching Johnnie play. All in all, Johnnie had a great time which was all I could ask for and he wasn't even all that tired really. In fact, he wanted to take out MY mini-trampoline so he could keep bouncing some more.  I parked him in front of his usual slate of videos and waited for Lisa to call to pick him up. I didn't really talk to her much when I got my cleaning done today simply because she was busy and we really did need to go. Still it was a surprise that we didn't hear from Lisa until it was almost 8 PM and she was back to her dark Self energy, you know the why-do-i-do-this, why-am-I-alive energy. I already knew I had to disengage quickly and not feed into it or she will suck me into it. If I could even not have any interaction at all that would be ideal. But I still had to get Johnnie home. I toyed with the idea of letting him sleep in my apartment for the night. Instead, I waited until 10 PM to bring him home. No need for him to sleep early tonight, he can sleep in all he wants tomorrow. And as it was he actually waited for her to come home before actually going to sleep. I waited too, for which I was rewarded with an interrogation about brushing Johnnie's teeth and Claire's teeth. For which I responded that I did both. She wasn't interested in teeth. She was interested in picking a fight. That's the only way her dark energy could process. To actually let myself sink into it is how it gains energy. And so I went home and tried to clear my thoughts and clean up that energy as best as I could. And fortunately, I went to sleep easily. It was a long day. But other than the Lisa blip, it was a fun, frivolous, happy day actually. And I hold on to THAT energy as long as I can.

Definitely A Tank Day

Today I headed out to Lisa's house early (as in 8 AM early) expecting to pick up the dog and drop Johnnie off at Penmar. That did not happen, although today at least it felt like it was Johnnie's idea to hang out with his mom at her office. They did it last week and I think Lisa was concerned he'd be too bored. But it worked out and so they agreed to do it again I guess. Johnnie went on and on about a new schedule, which is why I thought this was his idea in the first place. And that's ok too. Whether he's at camp or at Lisa's really doesn't make much difference to me. This morning, I did notice he still hadn't showered. And so I gave him a quick shower and that would be my bond time with him for today LOL. Lisa even made me breakfast (Sour dough toast and jam) and then left me with the dishes to wash. Ay Lisa. She still lapses into moments when she might think we're still married and I still live here.  On a day I remember moving out 4 years ago almost to the day. That irony was not lost on me. This morning I figured I'd sort of 'celebrate' that by taking a shower right there at Lisa's. And poop too. After all I'm not sure what's going on with another bathtub clog yesterday. I remember showering in the lower bathroom for months until the upstairs was done when we first got the house. Hadn't showered down there in years! Got a nice shower in today. And then  I drove back to the apartment, got me a couple of sausage McMuffins (I didn't eat the bread, I already had enough carbs with the sourdough toast) and made myself some nice hot green tea. And just chillaxed the morning away. I remember a week ago I was stewing because my toilet and then my bathtub was clogged and I was home waiting for Hugo the maintenance guy to come. And I was wondering how I was going to pee. And IF I was going to deal with bloody pee at that?! Weird Friday. Much better one today. I enjoyed my hot tea and took my time, watched the latest episode of the OLD MAN, and then made me some nice vegetarian chili for lunch using the pea protein grounds I got last week. This version of meatless beef worked out pretty well I thought. I found another plant-based meat for my bolognese sauce! I didn't do too many audios this morning. I thought I'd simply let my body find a balance. What I did not do is look at anything work-related. Which made it a TANK DAY. I only had that Salesforce meeting on Fridays to deal and I had that cancelled yesterday. Oh and did I mention today was payday? Officially this morning I had reached over $100K in cash saved up! It's going to go down by a few thousand until next payday of course because of rent and all. <I'm wondering if all this toilet clogging stuff was because I should have gone to a different place to rent.. or maybe BUY?>. Oh and as I mentioned  I did have another bathtub clog yesterday, but the plumber came this morning in a much timelier fashion and got everything unclogged and I didn't have to deal with any mess at all. After lunch I gave myself a haircut. Looked pretty scraggly with the hair and all. By now I have gotten pretty good at cutting my own hair.   Hey, it's Friday. How many Friday afternoons did I walk over to Supercuts on Grand and Hill and get my cut of the month LOL?! Hey, this way I save myself $25! And it turned out just fine as far as I was concerned. And it still was mid-afternoon. Without needing to pick up Johnnie anywhere today I sort of took my time and when ahead and did grocery shopping. I did Sprouts and then Centinela Feed to pick up food for Claire, and then did Ralphs. And got done before 5 PM. Again I had memories of the early pandemic when I would line up at Trader Joe's at 3 PM on a Friday afternoon just so I could be sure I had groceries LOL. Seems so long ago but it wasn't. Later on I would get a call from Lisa. They were done and headed home so they wanted to pick up Claire. It was 5:30. After I recovered from the shock, I said it was ok of course. Lisa even said that they had already had dinner and had gone to Michael's. See? now THAT is normal. Maybe it IS a good idea for Johnnie to be at Lisa's office. It forces her to not be so consumed with everything work and force her to think like a mom. After handing Claire over I realized that I too had a way different Friday than usual. But not an unfamiliar one. I went to Poquito Mas for my ahi tuna salad dinner. And then went home to finish my 11,000 steps and at least 60 active minutes. I actually got to 70 and noted I'm already at 420 and it's just Friday. I'm back to normal! And I got a nice meditative walk around the neighborhood in too. I remember when I first moved in and I would spend my Friday nights like this. No Johnnie <Lisa had Friday off then> so just a nice dinner and Netflix. Tonight I did some Netflix <Virgin River new episodes> but really it was just nice to have a TANK DAY. And mostly ME DAY. Gave the Universe lots of gratitude for that.

Echoes and Energies To Clear

I was thinking that all this stuff that has come up over the course of a week, the bleeding episode, the clog in the toilet and bathtub, now this week the cracked crown, the negative energy around the re-organization, all that is a manifestation of stuff and even though I'm not sure what the specific energies are I do know I have to clear them and clean them up. Even today when on the surface it looked like I simply had my usual slate of Team Meetings and then a noon appointment with Lisa to fix my crown I realize looking back at the day that those were merely surface events to a broader energetic background. Example: everything about work today had an imprint about all the reorg stuff and the energy was not at all positive. It was the energy of uncertainty and although that in itself is not negative, the underlying energy was not. In other words, the general reaction was not a positive one. Even for myself I found myself harboring feelings of ANGER, yes ANGER. What or who was I angry at? Executive Management in general? Any one of them in particular? Even another email from Dr Liao I could sense thoughts in me that were not at all respectful. And I did manage to link that negativity to the thoughts about the people I care about that got laid off. Whatever happens I NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE my own feelings and not project or get projected upon. It feels close to that day in April 2013 when a whole bunch of us got laid off at USC Stevens. The difference was that that group included me in it. But it worked out just fine. Echo or not this time still doesn't feel good. And speaking of echoes, here I am on the dental chair getting worked on by Lisa and assistant and she's talking about our past stuff. Like that time at the Dental School when she did my crown as part of a competency and she couldn't get me numb. Man, I had forgotten about that. How she passed competency I do not know because as a patient I had had a terrible experience. But she did and here she is today, one of the best dentists in the area. She is a total pro now. Although it did take them an hour-and-a-half to finish my crown prep, for which I got a reward of a parking ticket when I got back to my car. Yet another negative blip. I think the lesson here is that I HAVE TO BE MORE INTENTIONAL ABOUT HAVING A GOOD DAY, GETTING THE OUTCOMES THAT I WANT, BE AWARE THAT THE EGO IS ALWAYS LURKING ABOUT, AND STACK WINS SO I AMPLIFY THAT THE UNIVERSE HAS MY BACK AND EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT IN MY FAVOR. 

Clearly I did not to intentional planning today which is why stuff has seemed to reverse on me. Besides the parking ticket, I hear bubbling in my toilet and bathtub again and lo and behold, another clog. Only this time I knew merely checking the door of the apartment next to mine (#102) that they had a clog too. Water was seeping outside their door. I'm thinking they, in fact, are the root cause of MY bathtub clog! Somehow I needed to turn something around. Do something to raise my vibration and the energy around me. Stuff was still getting slung at me from work. I will assume that's going to continue when someone picks up all the stuff Courtney was working on. And I was reminded I still have 3 more performance evals to submit. sigh. I left the worst 2 ones for last. Tried to avoid thinking about them. Now I can't avoid them. I watched the episode of the Orville and got immediately emotional when a father <Bortus> came to the defense of his child and the other parent <Clyden> realized how much he loved the daughter he had previously left and disowned. It was then that I realized I was late picking up Johnnie! It was already 4:30. I rushed to Penmar to get him. They had watched the LA Sparks at Crypto.com arena today as part of their field trip series. How cool is that that he got to watch a professional basketball game? I didn't know when Lisa was picking him up but we got through his Spanish class and I made him dinner. Even though I sort of bullied him into eating as much of the dinner as I wanted him to, not so much how much HE himself wanted to. I realized immediately that I was trying to be in control. That is, my ego was trying to take control yet again. And when I did and I immediately felt remorse, Johnnie himself gave me an opportunity to make it up to him. We were out of ice cream. He was fine going to McDonald's to get a sundae. And so he scootered, I walked. Gotta get my 11,000 steps today somehow don't I? And I posted the pic of him at McDonald's with TODAY'S PLAY OF THE DAY. As mentioned, I didn't know when Lisa was picking him up. But I didn't really care either. I got too caught up writing up the rest of the performance evals. I did get done tonight once and for all. And it was 9 PM when I drove Johnnie and Claire back to Lisa's. She had just gotten home herself. I guess she had some telephone hardware stuff she needed to get fixed. By Jorge of course. They were still on the phone when I got there. Gave me a chance to say hi to Jorge face to face. I didn't feel like I had a particularly good day today. THAT was out of character for me. But I knew why I didn't. And what to do differently tomorrow. 

Another Re-organization

This was already shaping up to be a much better Wednesday than last week, considering that was when all that bleeding stuff started. Although... I still had to contact Lisa's office to get my crown fixed. There is a certain satisfaction with the routine, at least as far as I am concerned and simply dropping Johnnie off at Day Camp and then driving myself down to the FRB is now the new Wednesday routine. I did not plan on staying long. All I wanted to do was test the bluetooth speaker for the upcoming Town Hall and pick up the TCL tablet to check out. AND work on that machine at the FRB gym that helps increase strength to do pull-ups. That would be the machine I took a picture of right there. I did 3 sets and also some lat pulldowns, satisfying the resistance training requirement for the day. And with the workout, I started to feel like it was back to a semblance of normal again, and I was extremely glad that there has been no more bleeding. The one thing that did happen today was that immediately as I walked in to the FRB, the Director of HR walked into the office I was using and asked to turn off access to the network for 4 employees. Uh-oh. When I saw the names, I winced. Geina Johnson I agreed with. I was wondering how she kept her job all this time. Victor Estrada was a guy I played golf with already so I felt bad he was let go. Victoria Accede I don't know why they would let go. She is on maternity leave for crying out loud. And then Courtney Gordon who I literally work with on a daily basis. What the heck are they - THEY meaning Marina and Dr Liao - doing? They must know? But do they really know how much work Courtney put in? I really doubt that. Worse was when I ran into Nyree the Director of Operations. It would appear that she didn't know any of this and therefore was most upset. I offered what support I could and told her we should call a Director's Meeting as soon as possible because she was clearly off-balance. Not a good sign if this took her by surprise. It means she had no buy-in. And for whatever Eloisa says about being confident in us to make the necessary changes. You can only do that when you're bought in. Clearly there was no 100% buy-in. Not that THAT is required. But it sure helps. I do know that for sure. Otherwise all this Leadership stuff is simply nonsense. And maybe I'm a bit emotional too. Hard not to be when some of these people are the folks you go to battle with. I sure hope they know what they're doing. And that's the best I can do. 

And so I went on home at least clinging to the positive that (a) I got a work out in and (b) no bleeding for 3 straight days now (c) I will see Lisa who will at least get to see my broken crown later on this evening. I also needed to remind myself that all this going on today is simply my Ego-Self again dredging up some chaos in my awareness to fling me off-balance. It would make sense right? I remind myself that this is the time of year historically that some huge change has taken place in my life. Heck I got my job at QueensCare around this time 9 years ago. Only last year, we had our last dinner in a while with Sharon and Varsha. And of course 4 years ago around this time I moved out of the Maplewood house and rebuilt my life from scratch. I think I got my Honda exactly 4 years ago to the day in fact. I need to make sure I am focused on the things I really want to focus on. And OBTW if I am really now believing more and more in subtle energies and energy healing and those sciences, then I should learn how to heal not only myself but those closest to me don't I? I mean Dexter is sitting in a hospital as we speak. My relationship with Lisa seems to have improved but I also know that has to be focused on week by week by week until it sticks. And so it was that I picked up Johnnie at 3:45 pM today and then headed on to Lisa's by 5 PM. I expected same old same old... that is, another billing oriented kind of meeting that Lisa is trying to preside over. On the one hand, I do think they have too many of these meetings. On the other hand, it IS par for the course for a small business owner isn't it? Something to think about. In the meantime, I pretty much left Johnnie alone to do his Spanish class while I did steps in stealth outside in the corridor. Now that I am feeling much much better, no reason not to do 11,000 steps today is there? And besides, can I even shoot for 280 active minutes, which I had easily done by Wednesday the previous few weeks? Johnnie did his class and then Lisa scheduled me for tomorrow to fix my crown. Cool! And then let us know she had to be home by 8 PM to do her walk with Melissa. It was already 7 PM when she told us this. And so we just settled on all eating at Panda Express.  I had eaten pretty healthy stuff all day anyway. I could eat carbs and meat tonight. It was already close to 8 PM by the time we went home. And Johnnie only had an hour of video watching left LOL. In the meantime, I needed to process today and make sure I wasn't stuck in reaction mode. Johnnie was already thinking about tomorrow's field trip to Crypto.com arena watching the LA Sparks game. And went to bed by 9:30. I did too. But it was a warm night. So much so I had to take a fan out where Johnnie slept. Just a mid-July summer evening. And we're all good.

One Problem Gone, Another Shows Up

It is Tuesday and it is not a normal  day, at least not in terms of the Johnnie routine to day camp. No day camp for him today. That's because Lisa decided to go through with the appointment to get Johnnie his passport. I can't argue that that isn't important. Not if they plan on going to France later on this year. Heck I'm planning on going too hopefully. So that appointment is for noon at the Brentwood post office so there was no point in dropping Johnnie off at camp, even for just a few hours. I thought it was a better idea to simply let him sleep in. Especially since I would get to sleep in too. I mean look at him at the pic I posted with Pikachu stuffed animal next to him. Looking at that makes me feel everything is ok in our Universe. This morning we simply took a shower, had our breakfast and then I did my usual Tuesday routine with the IS Team Meeting. And let Johnnie watch whatever video he wanted to watch. Hey, it's summer. I'm not going to make him do anything. Besides, later on when we get back from his appointment, I told him we'd go to the pool and he could have his Tuesday water fun day anyway. Just by himself is all.  I should note that there had been no bleeding for me through the night, which would mark more than 24 hours that there has been no blood seepage and that is very, very good. All we needed to do was make Lisa some lunch, always a dicey proposition knowing full well she was going to find something she didn't like with whatever food I brought simply because I brought it and had a hand in making it LOL. I decided to do it anyway and not pay attention to her reactions. Actually something did bother me this morning. I found out by texting Dexter about Silvia's arrival that he had been in the hospital since Friday for his second operation. And it did not go as expected. The whole point was to get him off that bag he carries around for him to poop in. They found some complication that they couldn't remove the bag and let the hole heal. They had to wait another couple of months to try again. Dexter seemed frustrated. Heck I would be. In fact, I would be pissed as shit! Going back in time if you would have told him this would be his prognosis, I'm pretty sure he would have decided differently. I mean it seems extreme for not being able to poop. NOW you know why I didn't bother to even consider going to the doctor for my bleeding episode. What I am certain of was that there is a disruption in the energy flow in my body and whatever layers of root causes there were needed to be addressed. But at the end of the day, I never thought it was serious. I simply didn't buy it. I knew my ego-Self wanted to see me reach out for help, but fortunately, I had several instances of proof where going to the doctor for my case was not helpful. Nor did it even treat anything. I know my body can heal itself. I just needed to figure out what the best environment I could create mentally and emotionally was in order for that to happen.  And I think I was able to do that. 

Anyway as far as the passport appointment went, it was a successful one. Almost a non-event really. In my opinion, just a normal thing we would have gotten done in the middle of the day kind of like all those times Johnnie and I had to do covid tests and stuff a year ago, only we had Lisa with us this time. True to form she found something she didn't like in the turkey sandwich that I made and I was fine with that. I simply didn't care. And she was just as saddened as I was when I told her about the Dexter thing. I feel so bad for him. We did have one hiccup, which was that Lisa didn't make copies of the birth certificate, or her license. But fortunately there was a copy place right across the street  from the post office. $2 and a 10 minute detour and we were back and inside of 20 minutes we were all done. Like I said, eezy peezy as far as I was concerned. We even got Lisa back to her office by 12:30 right on time for her afternoon set of appointments. As for Johnnie and I? We got him some chicken strips from Jack-in-the-Box and I made him some udon. He barely ate anything which meant those became my lunch too LOL A good thing since I had to do a Town Hall prep meeting at 1 PM. And after that we went on to the pool. Johnnie is now very much comfortable with floating to the bottom and jumping in the pool. He's so not afraid anymore and I'm so glad he had his water day anyway. Now as far as the new problem that surfaced tonight, I was chomping on a tuna sandwich when I felt some crunching. I thought that tuna had bones in it. Turned out later on it was my crown! I had broken it! Has it been more than 15 years since this crown was put in? If so, then it was due wasn't it? Funny, no more bleeding which meant that I was able to work that out with my ego self. In fact, I focused on a gentle release. Gentle being the operative word. Somehow, my ego-Self got me to accept going to a healthcare professional to get something fixed. And gave me the most benign problem. And even coupled that up with using Lisa as a side actor to provide the help. Kind of addresses issues between she and I doesn't it? That's ok. I am far more ok with getting dental help than medical believe me. I sent Lisa a text about the crown and was so unconcerned about it I didn't even care that she hadn't texted back. We'll deal with it tomorrow.

A Monday Off-Routine

As I woke up this morning, I already thought about what made this Monday different. What made this Monday different was that I had already done my work for today. Which meant I could focus on just resting my body and letting it heal some more. I was well aware I had had some bleeding yesterday while walking and playing golf, which I think I'm going to attribute to the exercise. And the fact that it was hot out there. And then last night again there was some bleeding, though not a lot really and I'm going to attribute that to sitting on my uncomfortable chair doing the work I was supposed to finish today. Still, there was no bleeding when I went to bed. And I was happy to see no bleeding this morning either.  I wanted to see if I could go a whole 24 hours without anything. I was almost thinking I was going to skip my usual Monday morning walk, or even just totally rest my body for today. What's one day right? But nope, I ended up heading out and not giving in to any thought forms that there was actually anything wrong with me. Some bleeding due to some ruptured blood vessel internally near my urethra? Ok. Is that serious? My gut says no and my body says no as well. And I did get to 5000 steps around my neighborhood just like usual. I even posted a pic of the garden overlapping into the walking path on one of the streets. Struck me how pretty it was on a mid-summer morning. I was actually tired when I got done with the 5000, and I think more because it had gotten pretty hot out there. I was a bit dehydrated. I downed some coconut water, and then some celery and apple juice and I was perfectly fine. I rested on the couch the rest of the morning, expecting maybe because of the exertion like yesterday, I might see some bleeding. But nope, not this morning. And not after lunch. THIS was encouraging. So much so I kept on doing steps. 6000. Then 7000. 8000. Still feeling good. I was already up to 70+ active minutes. If something was going to rupture now would be it. But nothing. The one thing was that Lisa called. She apparently had an appointment to the doctor. <Funny... SHE is going to the doctor yet again> She needed me to watch Johnnie. Which was perfectly fine with me. Apparently, he skipped camp today to hang out with his mom. As I said, I had already done most of my work for today. Besides, I could easily get him occupied with his videos. As it was, I did get stuff done, most notably some more performance reviews. I'm ALMOST done with those. And then instead of picking Johnnie up, Lisa called letting me know she wanted to go ahead with Johnnie's appointment tomorrow to get his new passport. Which meant now we had to help get his paperwork together. Off we went to Staples to get his passport photos done <see the pic of him on the scooter as we headed on over there>. And I had to get copies of my driver's license. Anyway we had to deliver all these to Lisa and we decided we'd stay for dinner anyway. Except Lisa didn't really have food I'd usually eat in her house. That was to be expected. And I decided I'd simply eat whatever she decided to make and not make a fuss about anything. She had a very late soccer game tonight and she was ok not having Johnnie watch it since it was past 9 PM. We went off with Johnnie's stuff. And Claire's new dog food bag. And Johnnie's broth for chicken noodle soup. And strawberries from her garden. She had Johnnie pick those. <Why she gets into these rush of activities, I'll never know... All I really want was to stay a respectable amount of time, not look like I'm rushing out... and then rush out LOL>. No rushing out tonight I'm afraid.  We stuck around and didn't eat dinner. Which meant we had to make a stop on the way home at Whole Foods to pick up a pizza slice for Johnnie. AND I still made him some penne pasta in that chicken noodle broth. AND made myself a shrimp salad for MY dinner. What I didn't like was that it was already almost 8 PM!! This is, by far, the latest Johnnie and I are having dinner at the apartment. Tonight, I didn't care. I managed to make it all the way to 15,000+ steps just like a usual Monday. And almost 120 active minutes. AND no bleeding. Some discomfort as if there was some low-grade infection. But I can definitely live with that and let that heal all by itself. So this was why it was an off-routine Monday. First I got to see Johnnie in the middle of the day. I didn't really work so much. Still thought about my internals, but no bleeding at all today! THAT by itself made it a good day. I went over 24 hours without any bleeding! And despite the late dinner, I was happy Johnnie was back with me. And we're doing good. 

At Least Scott Played Well

Another Sunday, another tee time at Harbor, this time at 8:30 AM. I got us the early time because it sort of fell on my lap a week ago LOL. I was encouraged that there hadn't been any bleeding pretty much all day yesterday and through the night and so it would appear that I am healing ok. Still, I wrapped my member in a paper towel just in case. I made myself an egg salad and avocado sandwich, brought one of those coconut water drinks and off I went. The first thing I noticed was how humid it was. As in, it was cloudy, yet warm. Midwest warm not Hawaii warm at 8 AM. But hey, it is the middle of summer isn't it? And so on to the game. I looked at my golf game now as a lab experiment in which I am learning to harness subtle energies and manifestation practices to create the outcome I want, which is to play well. One thing I did realize right off the bat was how devoid of detail that statement was. Later, I would drill that down into 'I want to have at least 2 pars today".  Or at least that's the mantra Scott and I tell each other wherever we play. And so on the first hole when I whacked my first tee shot over 200 yards but a little too much to the left, I was still encouraged. And particularly after my 2nd shot went on the fridge. It was a great opportunity for a par right off the bat to start things off right. Scott, too, hit his 2nd shot 50 ft right in front of the fringe. And after 3 shots, we were both on the green with par putts, me having the closer 8 foot shot. Which is why I am so frustrated that I missed my par putt and Scott made his longer par putt! Woulda shoulda. Still, it was a very good start for the both of us. Missing the putt put me in an unresourceful state however and I can sense old programs already coming up. Old unproductive patterns. And to say I had a blowup hole on Hole 2 was an understatement. It is RIGHT THEN RIGHT THERE where I should have done some emotional and mental cleanup. Actually, I should have done it right after my miss on Hole 1.  Should have played out Hole 2 in my mind. Instead, disaster. Lesson to be learned. I didn't clear my head for Hole 3 either. Although I hit a beautiful 2nd shot that got me 150 yards from the Hole on the par 5. I was on in 4. Missed the long putt and missed the follow-up too. Still no mental clearing. Leading to being in the bunker after 2 shots on Hole 4 and way past the hole after 4 shots. <sigh>. Am I ever going to settle down? Seems to be a KEY I keep missing. I need to learn to settle down on the fly and do my mental and emotional resets. On the long Hole 5, it took me 5 shots to get on and then again missed my putt. On the weird Hole 6, I shanked way right but recovered with a nice chip to get to a 10 foot par putt. Which I missed. Bogey #2. Hole 7 I was on in 4, missed another long bogey putt. Finally on Hole 8, we all got our tee shots on the green. We all had birdie putts. Scott made his and I was so jealous. Because of course I missed my par putt again. Bogey #3. And then I simply melted down on the last hole. On Hole 7, I felt seepage in my underwear, which indicated I was bleeding again. That was confirmed when I stopped to pee on Hole 8. But I noticed red and then clear. I was also feeling a bit dehydrated at this point. It could be the walking around a lot in the heat was exacerbating something. I did manage to make it home without further incident so I wasn't thinking of anything other than lunch. I even made a stop at Ralphs Marina del Rey so I could pick up some keto stuff. That's how early we got done (11:15) and even with the stop I was easily home before noon. 

For lunch I decided to stop at El Pollo Loco. Picked me up an old favorite: double tostada chicken salad, except that I had the rice left out. Still nice protein and salad and avocado and pico de Gallo salsa. This should be a fine low carb alternative.  I thought about the golf game and how stuck I was in my old patterns and how I didn't really do anything to adjust mentally. Oh well, at least Scott, with a par and a birdie, had a pretty good golf game for himself. I should have just gone on to a nice nap in the afternoon like I usually would. Especially since I didn't really have good sleep last night. Instead I listened to some more energetic audios. And though I haven't really proven it just yet, simply listening to a subliminal resulted <perhaps> in another bleeding episode. It wasn't explosive blood like it was last week, but it was still blood. And it was still at the beginning of the urination, which suggests rupture in the penile shaft or urethra had not yet healed. I'm beyond worrying about it at this point as I HAVE CERTAINTLY my body will heal. I put on some nice alpha waves to relax and then found myself heading out to Target in the middle of the afternoon heat at 3 PM. I needed to get some underwear having noticed that I went through 3 last week that I bloodied. Also was able to pick up some pea protein stuff that only Target carried. And then while I was out anyway, finished up my shopping that I didn't do yesterday. Even while running around in the heat, I didn't really have any bleeding although it did happen again later on in the evening, when I noticed I was sitting in my office chair trying to do my HRSA survey early. Yes, for the rest of the evening I simply shut it down as normal and made myself dinner <my unstuffed cabbage with the ground beef I bought last week - hey, I figured a little meat isn't going to hurt right?>. I did really note that I missed that dish and maybe should try it with protein crumbles LOL. I listened to prostate morphic fields again from Sapien. That's after noticing another bleeding and once and for all telling myself I need to heal, heal, and HEAL. At least I  already finished approving time cards and finished my HRSA survey. That would give me the bulk of the day free tomorrow, at least through the morning. That's pretty good right? Did I have a good weekend? Still dealing with the physical stuff and the toilet clog, though that got cleared up Saturday night. Distractions. Distractions.