Something Is Creating Chaos

CHAOS FIRST THING I was just thinking to myself I'm so glad things are back to "normal". That after peeing first thing and no sign of blood. I lallygagged in bed for a bit too. No need to drop Johnnie off at camp, he had apparently decided to go to Lisa's office with her today. I wonder how long before he gets bored? All I have to do is pick up the dog later. I was laying in bed on my side when I felt a sudden seepage in my penis. And I knew immediately what was happening. I was still bleeding. And next thing you know my underwear is covered in blood and I'm dripping all the way to the toilet. I got myself all cleaned up, the floor cleaned up, my underwear washed with water. And THEN I flushed the toilet... only to have THAT not drain all the way. Worse, it started to leak at the base. WHAT IN THE FUCK?! I'm naked bleeding out of my penis dripping blood and the toilet is leaking and I have to prevent a flood getting a towel down there? Are you serious right now? I calmed myself, put in a service request with the building and then decided I simply need to chill and relax and not get caught up in the chaos. It was then that I realized I'M CREATING DRAMA. Or maybe not ME, but a part of me. At least some part of. me felt calm enough through all of this to just not react. All the way to putting on an Alpha wave track on Youtube. And that's when it hit me. My EGO self was at it wasn't it? It was TRYING to get me to feel something was horribly wrong and react. And gave me a double whammy to be sure.  And in the middle of the Alpha session which was really a waking meditation, a thought form kept coming up. LET THE PATTERN FIX ITSELF. All I have to do, is not give in to the FEAR. The PANIC. the ANXIETY. The WORRY. All I have to do is let the right information come through. And when I'm calm I see the pattern. I'm not sick. I'm being thrown some symptom that makes me look like I'm terribly sick. But my gut says it is completely benign, and easily healed. Like the blood is coming from some scab inside and it isn't serious at all. The funny thing is when I realize that and I don't give in to being afraid, or reacting. the bleeding completely stops. Like I went by Lisa's house to get Claire and when I went to pee, no blood That's another thing... why does it only happen in my apartment? Never at any public place, not Lisa's office last night, not the restaurant we ate at, not at the FRB. Just at home. And it's really really bad at home. Hmmm. NOW, if I can only get the toilet fixed... 

I went downtown today to pick up those chinos from Uniqlo I bought more than a week ago. Wouldn't you know I couldn't find parking? Had to park at the FRB. And THEN I noticed how hungry I was already so I stopped at Whole Foods and got something from the hot buffet. Some fish and veggies and salad. And then I picked up my khakis. And then I headed back home. I did notice some leakage of a little blood as I started piling on steps. Only increased my certainty that perhaps the bleeding was being caused by too much activity. And it was hot out there too. And like this morning, after a small bit of blood, totally normal urine.  Anyway the maintenance guy Hugo finally came at 3 PM. And he couldn't fix the toilet. In fact, it got really really worse. All he could leave me with was that the plumber was going to come at 8:30 PM. Tonight. Man?! I couldn't stick around much longer anyway. I had to go over to Lisa's office where Johnnie spent the day to bring his computer so he can do his Spanish class. I thought it was pretty cute that he wanted to spend the day with his mom rather than go to Penmar camp. I already knew he gets bored there in the afternoon when most of the kids had been picked up already. He already knew from Wednesday that Lisa had had a pretty bad day. And I think there's a big part of him that thinks he can make it better for her somehow. He's a great kid that way. And tonight he did a really good job with his Spanish class. And afterwards, he wanted to go to Oops for dinner. Finally Lisa and I had to agree. I went back to the apartment to get Claire and met them at Oops. I didn't mind having a nice Friday night evening dinner. And that we did... have a nice Friday evening dinner. For the 2nd night in a week. I'd like to think it's because of some of the energy work I've doing, some of the release stuff I've been doing that is actually making our interactions better, Lisa and I. Except for a couple of patrons having dinner next to us actually making judgements about us and letting us know LOUDLY that Johnnie and another kid Libby was slapping the dog. Slapping? They were just playing rough. We just have to keep reminding Johnnie not be so rough when other people are watching. Other people don't understand that's how the dog plays too. And that couple? they didn't have to be aggressive about letting us know either. Anyway we simply ignored them the rest of the meal. And we had a pretty good meal. And then I went home and finished my steps. Watched Clayton Kershaw pitch 7 perfect innings until the Angels got a hit off him in the 8th. Still a dominating win. And the plumber? He finally came at 11 PM. And that's ok. At least he did come. My ego-self again being difficult. But hey, I know how to deal with it now. Hopefully I'll be better prepared for the next time. Or at least be able to deal with whatever gets thrown my way in a resourceful way.