So the picture I posted was Johnnie and I in the car ready to leave for San Diego, and of course, waiting for Lisa. Still. It was nearly 4 PM by the time we actually left and we still had to get to Sierra Madre first to leave Claire with Lisa's mom. And it was 5 PM by the time we got there. Still, there was surprisingly not much traffic and we were at San Clemente a little past 6 PM. That's where we decided to stop and get dinner. Panda Express for Johnnie and I, and Lisa brought her own veggie soup and got some chips and guac from Chipotle. Yes it was an odd pairing but who cares. And we had a pretty good dinner. Everything seemed to be going along swimmingly until we got near the exit <Palomar Airport Rd>. That's when Lisa asked about dinner tomorrow, and when I said there wasn't any dinner, she got triggered. She questioned if my sister was actually home or not as I said. And when I dismissed it with a tone that she didn't like, she said she felt attacked. She said I was being a jerk <again>. And even Johnnie from his perch in the back said that it was my tone that made Lisa react. He was absolutely react. But once triggered, Lisa kept going down the rabbit hole. She bugged about lying about my conversation with my sister. Which then brought up the whole thing with lying about my age. And how I lie all the time. And that I couldn't be trusted. NOW it was personal. NOW I felt attacked. And I got triggered. And I got angry. And then it was my turn to get out of control and bring up past shit. Namely a year ago when she screamed at me on Christmas Eve and I drove down to San Diego instead. Now we were both out of control. We were both angry. And I wanted to drive back. My deal was to always walk away. And I couldn't. And I got even angrier that I couldn't. And I screamed at Lisa this time. I screamed that I would never do this again with her and that she has already fucked up this trip. And Johnnie started crying. And THAT snapped me out of my state. I drove to the hotel right from re-entering the freeway to head back home. And I got out of the car and apologized profusely to him. I was SO SORRY he had to witness that. It was not his fault. I was still angry at Lisa however. Not really for calling me out, but for insisting on pushing at buttons to create an even larger drama, just like her family loves to do. We could have and should have handled this conversation just she and I without Johnnie present. Now we have to do damage control. AND I WAS DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF that with all the emotional preparation, I was still not able to control MY OWN STATE. Yes Lisa pushed my buttons. It is what she does. I was still triggered easily and quickly. I need to rehearse simply saying in a calm voice "Can we discuss it one-to-one and alone please". I have to practice that. Because now I have to recover myself before I can even deal with Lisa and I don't know how long that would take. My immediate thought was that all the work I did this past Saturday is now down the drain and I have to start all over undoing the karma. ANd first things first was to deal with the here and now. Lisa was outside in her car, and came in to announce she had lost her credit card while walking around. And now she can't go get her own hotel room <didn't know she was considering that> and couldn't even pay for herself for Legoland tomorrow. She basically already assumed she was no longer invited. NOW it is up to me to fix this. I sent Johnnie to talk her into reading a book for him before he went to bed. And when he didn't return immediately I went down to talk to her. I was still angry. I hadn't recovered yet. but I needed to at least ask her to stay. She was going to sleep in her car otherwise. I didn't care if she decided to sleep in her car really. I was more concerned of how I would like. That I would be the asshole. I didn't want to be the asshole. And so... although I didn't care what the fuck she did right then and there, I also knew it was the right thing to simply invite her back up to the room and sleep there at least. We will deal with tomorrow TOMORROW. Right this second I did what I could and said what I could so she would come upstairs and that we could all get some sleep. I was able to get her to do that. And then I prepared for sleep and did the only thing I could. I mentally and emotionally took the situation we were in and handed it to the Universe and asked for the best way to get it resolved for the highest good of all. And then I went to sleep.
I went home from Lisa's feeling just fine. But by the time I was about to fall asleep and not even an hour after I had gotten home, I had developed a pain in my lower left abdomen, right around where my bladder was. At first it was a dull ache, which I have had before and which would have been easy enough to ignore. And then the pain level went from 3 to maybe a 6 or 7. Not searing pain, but enough not to ignore, and enough to keep me from falling asleep. What the heck was this now? Immediately, I thought prostate, but my thinking said no. And then stones came up, but the pain was in a different area. Not in my back when I have had kidney stones flareups in the past. This was more towards the front. Is it still stones? Immediately I went through a whole arsenal of fields and audios which addressed the pain and the physical condition. But then I went through the emotional underlying causes. What I got was that if bladder, then it's ANGER, if it's kidney then it's FEAR. And it could very well be both. What was bringing up anger? I thought about the last meeting of Friday, which was the IS Audit meeting Did THAT trigger an anger response underneath? Did I repress that somehow? And then the FEAR response... was that in relation to my job? I did an entire round of tapping on this stuff. First I went through flushes and negative energy clearing videos, then reverse negative effect videos, then a tapping script to remove underlying energies to bladder/kidney/urinary tract issues, then at least 3 videos on rife frequencies specific to urinary problems, and then reiki healing to release anger and fear, and finally, a frequency video from Elke Neher to unblock the bladder meridian. After that last one, I could finally feel my bladder sort of relax and the energy go through. The thing was that this entire deal took at least 3 hours. And by the time I finally was able to get some sleep it was almost 4 AM in the morning. The good thing was that I think I was able to heal myself, at least mostly. There was still a residual feeling of a dull ache, but it was no more than a 2. And when I woke up at 7 AM, I felt much better. I realized I needed to go to Lisa's house to pick up Johnnie since it was a Saturday work day for Lisa. But when I got to her house, no mom, no son, no dog. I guess they had taken off. And then I saw her text that they had left early and I'm supposed to pick up Johnnie at her office. Ok then. I picked them up and was reminded to have them back by 12:30 because Heidi and her boys were there and were hanging out after their procedures. I saw it as a pretty good sign because I was now running on fumes already from lack of sleep. This way I still get some time with Johnnie and then I have the rest of the day to veg out and recover. And so off we went to a usual Saturday routine. Breakfast at Elysee, carwash, grocery shopping at Sprouts. And we got all that done well before 10 AM. And when we got home, Johnnie immediately went to his Pokemon videos. I mostly stayed on the couch and drifted in and out of nap/sleep while he watched videos until I realized we had to leave to get lunch since I needed to drop him off by 12:30. Off we went to Panda Express to get him his teriyaki chicken and I tried to make do with a tuna sandwich. I wasn't hungry though. I was tired. And I also realized that although I felt much better than last night and the pain had pretty much subsided, I knew my body was also recovering as well. And so I HAPPILY dropped off Johnnie and Claire at Lisa's house and went back home to repeat last night's regimen just to make sure. Audios and frequencies to clear emotional blockages. Oh and I ate the rest of Johnnie's teriyaki chicken too. He had left half of the bowl. I guess he wasn't so hungry. I pretty much stayed on the couch the rest of the afternoon. Watched the movie Thirteen Lives about those kids in Thailand who were trapped in a flooded cave a couple of years back and the international effort to save them. High drama. And then I watched the Dodgers dismantle the Padres again. I even put up a picture of that one from the Stadium. Made it feel like I was there on a pretty afternoon. But I wasn't going to be moving around much today. And with that breaks a streak of doing at least 10,000+ steps. Not that I hadn't done less than 10,000. but this time I stopped at less than 6000. And the last time I did that was when I was sick many years ago or when I was suffering from something. My total active minutes for today? 1 minute. I figured I had had a pretty active week, a long week in fact. And I ran around like crazy. I could stand a REST DAY. With a normal day tomorrow, I'd still be averaging well in terms of steps and active minutes. I had some pasta and turkey bolognese, and caught up on rest and caught up on sleep.
I was doing the later stages of my step routine and got to 12,000+ steps already and it wasn't 5:30 PM yet. But I noticed my heart rate started to elevate and my active steps ramped up quickly. I didn't think anything about it since I do this normally. I just thought it was hot out. But it felt like a couple of Sundays ago at Harbor when it was so hot and I had a bleeding episode right on the golf course. And true enough, I started to feel thick stuff ooze out of my penis. yep, it was blood again. Now that I am a bit used to this, there as no panic. In fact, my very first thought was that I had overexerted myself. Is there such a thing? Could I be doing TOO many steps? Especially since I had lost that weight? I mean this was not a trickle. It was like that Wednesday when it first started happening again a few weeks ago. DAMN! Obviously I had to stop and rest and also reflect. Was it really overexertion? Or was it overexertion of a different kind? I noted that I started doing morphic fields again on a pretty heavy dose this morning. Could it be my body doing a flush? I searched for patterns. Could it be because I was around Dexter yesterday and illness was a point of focus? When did it happen exactly? Right after I hit 12,000 steps but maybe by then I had already stretched myself thin with the morphic fields. I noted that I was sitting down and working on my Mac. Did i scratch and rupture something on the surface? Regardless of the cause I was disappointed it is happening again. It did not hit me at all that i was experiencing a medical emergency. After all, I was not in any pain at all, just now the tip of my penis was scratchy. I went ahead to Lisa's house to do the Johnnie pick-up. And pretended like nothing was happening. Because really, was there anything happening? Just something I hadn't deciphered just yet. When I got there I ran into Vicky, Lisa's mom who was making cookie dough with Johnnie. She was apparently looking at resumes for a replacement hire. I waited for her to get done and then I picked up Claire and Johnnie's stuff and headed on home. By this time, I was back to peeing clots and then normal pee. Which at least assured me it wasn't anything really serious still. Besides through the panic in my amygdala I reminded myself that my body heals everything, and that all I needed to do was get into alpha state to access higher intelligence. Hard as hell to do when your ego-self is trying to distract you with FEAR and WORRY and chaos. You can imagine making sure blood wasn't seeping througn my underwear was forefront on my mind when I picked up Johnnie at the soccer field. Although nothing happened <it NEVER does outside my apartment...another point to remember>, I still felt like I am in the middle of healing. And I guess I will have to leave it at that for tonight and for the rest of the week. Sigh.
You never know how these plans go especially when Lisa is involved. There is a large amount of fluidity to them. At the very least I planned on catching up with Dexter over lunch. And when we got there, Lisa was just finishing up his procedure. I was prepared to take Dexter home in fact. That we all ended up at Oops, all meaning not just Dexter, Johnnie and I, but Lisa did come. Angie tagged along and so did Don and Sheila (Dexter's sister and brother-in-law). And we all ended up having a perfectly fine lunch. Johnnie with his tempura udon (he even ate all his shrimp), me with seared tuna over salad. Even Dexter with his own dietary restrictions had fried calamari and salad. I think a fine time catching up was had by all. We never did have a one-on-one catch up Dexter and I but hey, he's now out on medical leave from Disney and by his own account, doing nothing while staying with Sheila and Don temporarily. We will have our time catching up to be sure. They even booked a visit at Sheila's on Dexter's birthday on May 7. And so by the time we got back to the apartment, it was already past 2 PM and since Lisa decided to go back to the office to finish up her administrative stuff, I get to have Johnnie for the rest of the afternoon after all. We ended up watching more How To Train Your Dragon videos and then Johnnie decided to play with the badminton set we just purchased. And play. And play. And play some more. Boy he sure liked playing with that thing. Probably an easy $3 purchase I would label excellent. I did too. I saw I still had pretty good hand-eye coordination. We would have had nothing but fun, except that my controlling self did rear its ugly head and yelled at Johnnie to slow down and hit the ball correctly. Correctly? WTF? It's just a badminton game man. And not even a real set at that. Where did that come from? Fortunately I did notice Johnnie wincing when I yelled at him and corrected it with a lot of compliments after he started hitting the ball well. Man what a controlling athlete's dad I will turn out to be... if I don't work on that now huh? Unfortunately that controlling self was still very much in my consciousness when Lisa called. She was about to tell me when she was picking up Johnnie. Before she ventured our conversation into a discourse on how her staff spent $240 on tacos for a birthday lunch. Naturally she then ended up venting about contributing $100 to the lunch we just had. And had to blame me for it. Boy that just raked an old wound with ME. Don't fucking blame me for showing you have $100 to drop. In cash. That your dad gave you. And then blame me for having to pay for more than half the meal. I HATE HATE HATE when she does that. It took the energy of a nice little reunion we had today (see pic) and just almost rendered it meaningless. And when she kept going on about it, I snapped. I was done. I told her so, I told her I didn't want to talk about it anymore and basically ended up hanging up on her. I knew we were headed for an argument. I stopped it cold. And I never heard from her the rest of the evening. I didn't care. I dropped Johnnie and Claire off at 8:30 at her house. She was already there. I gave Johnnie a hug and just left. No need to talk to Lisa. Controlling self or not, I was done talking about whatever bullshit was going on in her office. And I went home and went on with my evening. Yes I apologize for yelling at her too. And Johnnie. I should have just said nothing. But oh well she caught my angry self. She should learn too.
