I tried to trace back today when I started losing patience. Important to me because by the end of the day, by the time I picked up Johnnie from school, I had almost totally lost it. It wasn't just the usual lost-patience-with-the-idiotic-way-people-drive kind of impatience. It had carried over so pervasively that I lost patience with Johnnie right in the middle of his Spanish class, simply by him not getting a couple of answers right when Hail his teacher asked him. I felt like he wasn't focused enough. Just look at his body language in the picture I posted of him in the middle of said class. And so I angrily grabbed his precious Pokemon card he got today and I almost ripped it right in front of him. At least I controlled myself enough not to have done that and instead put it in my back pocket. And when he got done with his class, I sat him down and told him I thought he was not trying his best and that he was basically slacking. And that I expected better from him. And so OF COURSE that made him cry. I made him cry. Which always somehow snaps me back into dad mode. The good dad. I managed to get him back to his usual playful self simply by giving him his food. Chicken strips and spaghetti tonight. And let him watch his Pokemon videos. And I gave him back his card. I hoped I did no harm no foul. AND THEN I REALIZED I had snapped and that I had been building this state of impatience all day pretty much. Which is why I tried to find out when it started. I traced it back to the Salesforce meeting with the project manager Greg Denizard. I think what it was was that he had this deliberate style that basically tried my patience. It was like we did a 30 minute meeting that I would have done in half that time. Maybe he's trying to pad hours, but boy he sure made me irritated to the point where I was rolling my eyes and looking off camera so as not to be caught rolling my eyes. I remind myself that these things are sort of a test. A test the Universe sends me to test my patience. And boy I did not pass that test today. Because even after that Salesforce meeting, even after lunch and I sat on the couch and tried to chill for the rest of my Friday afternoon, it seemed like email after email kept coming that work-related and all people tugging at me asking me for shit. Greg bugging about a personal printer at someone's house that needed to be replaced, which of course I had outlawed. And he kept going on and on and on about it all afternoon too. Approvals from Sheng. Asking yet again if he could purchase a laptop for someone. Hey I did tell him to ask questions didn't I? And then all those Data Team requests from the week. Starlet. Cynthia Borders. Didn't these people get the email that Shilpa is out on vacation? They expect ME to get the reports out to them? Yeah right. Anyway it felt like work really got to me this afternoon, which led me to overwhelm. A state that stayed with me until I saw Johnnie cry. That finally snapped me out of it. I spent the evening pretty much making sure Johnnie did recover. And that I recovered too. And in the end that last picture was me and Johnnie watching the movie Incredibles together and sharing a bag of popcorn. Man do I still to do work or what? Even realizing that the whole thing with the negativity was my ego trying to goad me into it to feed itself, I still did it. Fortunately, I did have Johnnie for most of the night as Lisa did one of her work-really-late evenings. She doesn't even call me anymore. I just drove Johnnie and Claire to her house, gave him a shower, and put him to bed. He was already asleep when she came home. And that was ok by me. I needed some extra time with him just so I could feel better about making up for the part where I was being asshole dad. When he went to sleep, I told him I LOVED HIM and Johnnie even played with that and responded that HE LIKED ME. Before finally telling me I LOVE YOU Dad. In the end that's all I need. Just to hear him tell me he loves me. All is forgiven. I'm disappointed I even got the state I was in the first place. I will work on that.
Not lost on me BTW was that today was Johnnie's last day or school for this school year. His last day of FIRST Grade. Started off with en masse testing in August, to his chickenpox thing in September, but rode out pretty smoothly in the end. He discovered basketball at STAR and also got caught up in the Pokemon phenomena, after briefly flirting with the Minecraft phenomena too. He strengthened friendships with Brooklyn, found new close friends and Ialso found himself in the principal's office one time. But I believe he grew into his own this year. His reading and math skills already past 2nd grade level. I do not worry about his academics at all, though it will be interesting what he actually settles into what he wants to do later on when he grows up. And grow up he is doing. And it is a delight to watch.
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